the barowner's son/ young gun

twocancook

characters:
federline aventinus: bar owner's son
shannon: female bartender
ariel: female patron
masonic: bouncer

opening: the bar owner's son speaks to the audience.

federline: hi, i'm federline aventinus. yes, it's pronounced "AH-VEN-TINE-US". my father owns this bar. i grew up in th ebar buisness.
shannon: yes, you did....and how was rehab this time around, feder???
feder: as usual, it was cleansing.... and re affirming.... of my work here (being thoughtful)
(to shannon) allow me to conitinue.with a little name dropping.
(to audience) my cousin is kevin federline. he's married to britney spears......my father, augustus aventinus....our family owned breweries in germany.
that's a little back ground info
_______________________
scene 1: at the bar (shannon, alone)
shannon: ah, it's just another night at the bar.
(federline surprises her with a slap on the bottom)
feder: HEY!!!
shannon: eeeeeeeechh!! she screams
feder: well, you know shannon, young guns are full of fun!!!
shannon: are you making fun of me?
feder: what do you mean?
shannon: well you know i was flirting with the new bouncer, and i said "young dumb and full of cum!!!" EVERYBODY 's been teasing me about it all weekend...
feder: i guess i heard that.....but i swear i just made this up.....YOUNG GUNS ARE FULL OF FUN!!!! that's ME!!!

shannon: keep talking, KIDDO!! oh here comes the real gun now...hey bouncer, what's your name???

masonic: masonic.
feder: masonic. i need you to do something. come here...the bartender likes you...
(to audience) he's sooo dumb. if he'll do whatever SHE tells him, he'll definitley do what i tell him!!!
(to bouncer) masonic...take her hand, hold it nice and sweet. WHATEVER HAPPENS , DON'T LET GO!! ok??
shannon: well that's kind of sweet. i guess rehab did help you this time, hey, federline?
feder: yes it did. ok, masonic, what did i say?
masonic: whatever happens don't let go, right??
feder: right. now hold her tighter. (feder lights a candle)( puts it under her hand)
feder: hold her masonic.
shannon: aaarrgghhhhhh she screams....no feder, no feder....
feder: see what i have to do to get business in here??
shannon: stop it feder stop it
feder: only if you never ever call kiddo again..as far as you're concerned, when i'm here, I AM THE BOSS!!!
shannon: yes, boss...ok \boss is it over now???
feder: ok, boss????? .....MASONIC, that's enough..

end scene 1:
______________________________

scene 2: shannon at bar
(girl walks into bar, sits at bar, talks to bartender)
ariel: i'm sorry but i.....
shannon: no sweat....have drink....yeah, bar owners can be the biggest scumbags. then, there the SONS of bar owners.....good for nothings, they always resort to dealing drugs by age 20....yeah, my boss's son, he is the worst.
ariel: YUCK! that's tooo bad.
shannon: so what are you doing....here...tonight??
ariel; oh imet the bouncer, masonic,...... last week....you know what they say, YOUNG DUMB AND FULL OF C___
(federline comes over)
feder: i think that's my cue!!! ues, it's me, the youn gun.....i am full of fun....
ariel: ha! ha! you're having a fine moment. it's still not st patrick's day is it??
shannon: you're from boston, huh??
ariel" how could you tell? from my accent???
shannon: yup. it's wicked bad. i'm from rhode island. too bad about johnny damon.
arie: yes but it looks like he might be out for a while...he has a hurt shoulder. that red sox gm, theo epstein, he looks smarter and smarter every year....
shannon: i know,.....he's cute, too. and how dumb could the yankees be, again, signing another injured, overpriced player!!!
(both girls: laugh ha hahha ha)
feder: ENOUGH OF THIS TALK! you can't criticize the yankees, not in my bar...
ariel: are you the owner?
shannon: no, he's not.....he's the owner's son.
feder: but right now, i am the boss>my name is federline ah-ven-tine-us.
here's a poem: foreplay.
baseball.
we cried in htat japanese basement.
work was finished. we no home
no home to go to.

i dreamed of baseball.
hold up that mighty bat. boys dream of this moment.

i swing, i miss....swing, miss.....sing, miss.

ariel: for some reason, this game makes boys into healthy men.
feder: it's true, the great game of baseball - is also great foreplay!

shannon: forget about federline, tell me what you kow about the bouncer??
ariel: ok, masonic? he's an actor. he's gonna be famous one day. he's been scouted by an agent.
shannon: like a baseball player?
ariel: yes, like a baseball player......he says if he stays focused and devoted to his craft, then one day he will be a famous actor....... unless he dies first.
federline: well i guess i'll have to promote, so we don't lose him. you know, "promote from within"........if he's that talented.......what should i have him do around here???
shannon: he's very good at following orders...and he's not afraid of fire....make him a chef???
ariel: but he'll need healthcare, overtime, always a comfortable seat, and access to a toilet, proper breaks for meals...
feder: well, i'll also make sure he doesn't DIE on us...
(DEAD SILENCE)

feder: well....then we'd never get anywhere with him..
(bouncer walks in)
feder: well hey, it's my lucky night
masonis: hi boss. i gotta go., it's past my curfew
(looks at ariel) if you want to stay and party, why don't you come with me....
ariel: why do you have to go?
masonic; i lied to you, i'm not an actor, i'm on porbation.
ariel: baby, it's ok....i'm irish!!!i'm up for a party!!!!
shannon: watch it, hun......hey BOSS....let's do some blow
feder: yeah let's have some fun.....
___________________
(to audience)
shannon: i'm in a tough position. i work for a sadistic jerk.
i want to quit, but i just keep taking it....and this new bouncer, this "young dumb" guy, he's really the young gun but he keeps taking it...oh yeah...he's afraid of doing something wrong, of going back to jail.
but this is just a regular new york bar. what did we do wrong??
________________
(back to scene)
federline: yeah, let's have some fun, i'm a young gun!!!! MASONIC!!!! get over here, you sick fuck, let's have some fun with theese girls..
(masonic pulls out a gun)
feder: jeeeekers crow!!!!
masonic: be careful, or you'll end up in east new york..
shannon: no one goes to east new york, except to dump a body
ariel: it's ok.....i'll go with you, masonic.....
_____________

(later)
(shannon and federline talk it over)
shannon: federline, it's pretty simple. it's about manners. if that poor girl had to leave, it was up to you, the owner's son to get her a cab ride.
you could've just hailed a cab, and sent her safely off by herself.
feder: yeah except for masonic's gun. she must have come here to meet masonic.
it's true i knew he was an excon...but he always did what i told him to
shannon: it's all too creepy.

BAD THINGS ALWAYS HAPPEN HERE, SO NOBODY REALLY CARES.
f
federline: humming "young guns are full of fun....."
(phone rings.....)
shannon: federline, it's your dad.
feder: what dad???no, dad, it's not what you think......NO i don't need to go back to rehab...



THE END