coney island romance

Intro:
narrator:
my life is a coney island side show. last weekend, this stage-
yes, this stage right here -
taps stage floor with shoe -
hosted a lesbo sex show for a batchelor party.lots of condoms and dildo's.
the other night, there was a burlesque show.....8 dancers this time

sean:
before my wedding , instead of a batchelorette party, i want an orgy.
I want to invite everyone i've ever wanted to sleep with.
anne: well, i wish you would invite bobby. he is so fragile about relationships. he needs to be led into an orgy by a close friend, blindfolded, then left to enjoy himself and have some fun, without thinking about who he's been with. at the end of it, his friend will safely lead him out.


narrator:
ann is very outgoing. i told her i write monthly short plays. she wants a part in one. would she make out with bobby, if i cast them together?
would bobby make out with her, if i cast them together??
____________________________

bobby:
bobby is taking the kids to coney island. it's quite a journey by subway. over the east river, overland across brooklyn.

coney island has that last stop, this is the last stop on the subway, feel.

after a day of nathan's hot dogs, playing with the kids on the beach, ice cream, kiddie rides, we settled down to a cold beer -
very cold brooklyn lager, on ice -
at ruby's coney island bar and grill.
the kids had lollipops and ran around. we listened to the old time doo wop songs on the juke box. of course we would never leave. or i would never leave.

sean: if you have one more beer, you'll never leave, and you'll end up like her.

narrator:
rita walked over to our group. she had already gotten friendly with one of the mom's.
we groaned. she walked away. then walked over again, this time , she talked to bobby.


rita: you're gorgeous. .....i know.... i know you....
you're on the soprano's....aren't you?
that's it??/

bobby: goin with it.
dance for us, rita.
rita: oh, i can dance.....but with my clothes off.

bobby: a few more beers i could end up in a romance with rita.
i thought i could.....should.....would just slip away for a little while.
but i learned that in new york, if you miss a day, it's ok, but if you miss a week, people learn real fast how to work with your replacement.
so go away, vanish, nobody will look for you, unless:
you die a sensational death.
child hit by a car.
spaulding gray, jumps off the ferry, his body washes up 4 weeks later.
can't just fade away. or you will be forgotten.

narrator:
bobby walked to the bathroom. still at ruby's bar and grill.

he thought rita would follow him. he knew, he could smell it, she needed money. he had a few dollars left.
bobby:
if i spend all my money, i will never leave.

rita: do you think i'm pretty?

bobby:
are you the kind of girl who only wants to make out in public?
rita; i'm very special. i would never say that i'm a modest molly.

they dance together. dance moves: they sing: should we? could we? would we??

bobby: making lunch. can i eat the cucumber skin?
rita; it depends on where it has been.
bobby
: if i spend all my money, if i have one more
beer, i will end up like you,
] i will never leave.
how could i ever get out of here?

i washed my feet, coming off the beach, at the women's area...
the older, female worker called me on this:
into my face, rough, survivor:
worker:this is for the children. the adults are on the other side.
mason: these are my children.
worker: still in your face. i have children too. that's why i'm here, to protect them.
mason: i listen, without backing down.

Narrator:
as we walked off the beach: another summer of youth, some black teenagers, playful. the boy tugged her bikini bottom down. she knew the drill: drop fast into the water, pull it back up. both girl and boy, make a lot of noise.

on the sand, older spanish teens, the boys singing along, serenading the girls, bonding with each other, fun playful summer latin music.

bobby:
i like it here. this coney island/

i grew up on beaches like this. in fact, my father brought my mother to a similar salty old sailor's bar on their first date. to test her? no, just to have fun. i think she had fun too, or maybe she was just polite.
whatever he was, before she would marry him, my mother made him sell his store and get a company job, a phone company job. circa 1960.,

my father would have liked this coney island bar.
earlier at nathan's, the bum had said"save me some of your food' i did that. we left [parts of 2 hot dogs on top of the garbage, i motioned to the old man: there's some hot dogs for you.
__________________

girl:coney island stories:
the other day i realized how different life would be if i were 1 foot taller.
i stepped on a box, stood apart and above my social goup. survey the surroundings. good bye kisses, salutations, and the like. it was all more relaxed and detached from "up there". next time you're in a pinch, step on a box, look around, and smile.
__________________
rita:
ok ok maybe i can fall in love??
study today in the post: if you date 9 people, you will find a mate.

statistical sample.

date more, you risk wasting too much time, missing out on the right person. don't sleep with them until you love them; otherwise the act will make you feel in love and you'll waste time with the wrong person. also, don't take the pill until you are already in love, otherwise you will be attracted to the opposite of what you really need.

wow!!smell. smell. smell. that's what it comes down to.

______________
anne:
i must be the only person i know who likes waiting for the bus at night. i like the bus ride, around midnight. unwind, visual panorama of city streets, just fall asleep, and then suddenly it's my stop.
_____________

HOST:
WELCOME TO THE SIDESHOW!!!

here we have a wall of nicknames.


call out a name.
skippy, sergei, willy, tiger, boobye.
boobye???
pet person pet person
no, both??

_____________

more romance;
girl:when you're a girl, you think differently

girl:how many times have you dated?
oh about 7 or 8. when you're a girl you think differently, after a number of dates, you start to think about it....do i call him my boyfriend?
when you're a girl, you ask questions like that.


guy:
what makes a woman hot?
what kind of underwear do you waer?
i have to know.

narrator:
guy dancing in whole foods. vegetable department. imagine him walking up to a woman, and pattting her pussy with a bunch of asparagus. or celery. or a yellow squash.????
yes it's spring.
would that turn her on?

narrator:
that girl. she had been to bellevue. flirt with her. she'll be ok. just don't leave her alone. she's just one of those girls. just don't leave her alone. just don't leave her alone.


bobby:
what does she want?
girl:
she grabs a bunch of asparagus......i want it like this!!!!! thrusting the asparagus at her pussy.
bobby:
i must be passed out, dreaming.
still at the coney island ruby's bar and grill.
where is rita?

________

rita works at the restaurant. she calls the sausages "hoooo haaaaas"
rita: we need some hooo-haaas.
bobby:
yes we need some whoo-aaares ...he pronounces it like whores.
now rita comes over;
rita: now bobby
, i will say it properly. hooo haaaas. i want an order.

anne:romace title: half empty,half full.
anatomy of a romance scene:
she's humping.

lots of tongue ing.

running.

girl: no rubbing!
anne: she says: are you really going to write a scene for me and bobby??
with tongue ing, and rubbing, and lots of humping.
author: yeah, humping......we haven't had any humping

girl:
i veto humping!!!
_____________________

narrator:

on the bus:
i see these funny looking men on the bus. 1900 hats and such. black, black hats. i wish i were more naive. wish i didn't have to know who they were, so i could go up to them, like a child, and say: are you a satmar? or a hasidim?

would that be ok, because i really don't know.

one comic recently:
if these people are following the word of god and haven't changed in 5 or 6,000 years: the question is: why are they dressed like it's 1900???
____________________

girl:


wake up bobby!



wake up bobby!!!
it's time to go.

bobby:

onstage scare tactic:
as i'm talking with the girls, i pick up a water bottles, squirt it at the girls.

SURPRISE!!!

anne; now bobby starts to dance with me. we kiss.

oh no!!!!! bobby slips , falls, hits his head, and passes out.

SOMEONE CALL 9 - 1---- 1 !!!!


BOBBY:
he dreams: he is cooking with julia child. he is holding a bunch of asparagus.
he drops the asparagus.
julia child says: remember the 2 second rule: if it drops on the floor, it's ok to pick it up and cook with it if it's been there for 2 seconds or less.

girls: that boy is so fragile. he needs to be lead into an orgy by a close friend, blindfolded. let him have some fun, still holding his friend's hand.

bobby: julia child, will you be my special friend???

_______________________________

narrator:
this is all a side show. all these things have happened.
anne: let's cook some hooo - haaaas!!!!



THE END

50/50 school for crime skit

NARRATOR:
late nights, we visit the LAST STOP bar.
we were child prodigies
child entertainers.

we are all the same. we learned to live too quick. now we can't go back.
we spend most nights at the last stop.
but what DOOO WEEEE DOOOO?
____________________
narr: chatter at bar.

dupree: it's a coin flip......fifty...fifty.
that poor horse, barbaro.
spanky: in another time, if her were another horse, he would have been
PUT DOWN
YOUTH A NIZED
right there, att he track!
dupree: but he's still worth a lot of money, as a breeder, a stallion.

the horse was bred.....born.....to run. what can he do, now that he can't run??/
just sniff around, and breed.
he's a child prodigy, just like us!!!

spanky; yup...just sitting around the bar....sniffing.......
we all had legs at one time, legs to run with.

delia: when i was 8....my art was displayed in the state house, i met the governor.
dupree:at 17, i was sent to washington dc....i shook the president's hand. the local paper swore that i, too, would be president one day.
spanky; i was a child actor. by age 12 i had won a tony award for my role in a broadway play.


delia; for some of us, they just should have flipped a coin.
when i got screwed up....fifty/fifty....should i live/???? or die????

dupree: those bastards!!!!
that's why we're here..... and now, we'll outlive 'em all.
spanky:
that poor horse. i saw the race, saturday, the preakness.
i had $20 on barbaro to win, place or show.
delia; where did you bet?
spanky: i would never go down there, by myself. i had my boyfriend go there, to the
O T B
3 of us placed bets.
i would never go down there to the O T B ...but my boyfriend, he's done it before.
___________________________

narrator:
is there a university of the streets? a school of crime???
dupree: she enters a magazine store.
peruses several racks.
don't take too long.
drop 3 magazines into your purse, maybe buy some gum.
leave quickly , without alarm.

delia:in the gourmet market, buy one item. always buy something.pocket the exoensive sliced prosciutto, or a nice cheese. pay for the loaf of bread. a big, long baguette.

spanky; vasil, my boyfriend. was from ukraine./the new ukraine, that wild west state of post gorbachev russia
...he taught me alot.
when he first arrived, he was hired as a building super. his new boss took him ot home depot to buy some tools.
at the car, after shopping, vasil proudly showed off his wares: over $1,000 of tools lined his jacket and pokcets

delia;this is the biggest scam of all. we sit here all night long. some of us write it off as a loss. to deduct from our residual income as actors. we are actually working here. i have to watch a lot of tv, to keep track of how many times commercials are run.....
dupree: delia, we don't have TO DO anything. we all draw a few dollars each a week

spanky;
hey you know what?
chinatown is now what you think....there are no takelout menu's
in chinatown.
the gamble all day. they use knives.
that is the real school of crime.
____________________-
dupree: i know a petty crime.
spanky says she'll never date a guy who's a vegetarian. unless he'll go into whole foods, take a tray of brown rice sushi from the counter, and eat it without paying, while he pretends to shop for groceries. you can eat a whole lunch, just walking around that store....

delia: should he be ashamed?not if his grandfather didn't found the klondike bar, or anyother great american food processing company....
dupree: you don't call them rich people here......
delia; what do you call them?
dupree: you call them WORTHY

the perfect negroni?

the perfect negroni?
one of the simplest drinks to make is a negroni. or any drink with such an assertive liquor as campari.

don't write this down, either. most of you kids can do this from memory. or lack of memory once you drink you share of these classic mind blotters.

here we go:
in a small cocktail shaker, fill with ice,
add 1/3 good gin
1/3 sweet vermouth
1/3 campari
stir and strain into a chilled martini glass.
it is a good aperitif, as well as a digestif. how could that be?
well, it would do you
well to eat soon
after your first, and
well
follow your food with a third.

you know,it's one of those cocktails.
mischievious. delicious. especially once you get the hang of it.
and most of all,
it's easy to
make a perfect negroni.

________________
negroni is one of the first ( and few) cocktails i ever learned to mix as a bar owner/part time bartender.
a few folk still ask for it.
i won't argue with their palates; i do mix a memorable negroni.
if you're fond of campari, write me.

fitness book ideas

fitness book ideas

1. case studies by jill, the trainer
2. anecdotes, from clinets, jill (eating disorders, bodybuiling experience, general like curt schilling and roger clemens, bob the trainers 'if you want asix pack give up the six pack"
3. intersting exercises (with balls....catch, situps, large ball for stretching...
4. recipes.......

school for crime

late nights we visit the "last stop".....
child prodigies, child entertainers
we are all the same. we learned to live too quick. now we can't go back.
we spend most nights at the last stop.
but what do we dooo all day??
___________________________________
(chatter at bar)
it's a coin flip.....50/50...
that poor horse, barbaro.
in another time, if he were another horse, he would have been "put down"
"euthanized"
att he track.
but he' still worth a lot of mony, as a breeder....a stallion.

the horse was bred, and born, to run???
what can he do, now that he can't?

he's like a child prodigy....look at us.
sitting around this bar. we all had legs at one time, legs to run with.

(when i was 8, etc)

for some of us, they should have just flipped a coin.
when i was screwed up............to live ,,,or to die??
fifty - fifty


thoses bastards....that's why we'r here.
and now we'lll outlive 'emall.

that poor horse, i saw the race saturday, the preakness.
i had $20 on barbaro to win, place or show.
where did you bet?
i would never go down there, by myself. i had john go there,OYB.
3 of us placed bets. i would never go down there to theOTB....but john, he's done it before.
__________________________________________



when i was 8, my art was displayed in the state house, i met the governor. at 17, i was sent to washington, dc, and shook the president's hand. the local paper swore that i, too, would be president one day.

toby was a child actor. by age 12 had won an tony award for a broadway play.

now what do we do all day?

_______

black guys - why have almost 1/2 of all black men been in prison?
is that their university? in chinatown, the men use knives.
that is where they have "the school of crime."
__________________

he enters the store. he holds his jacket, folded over his left arm. he slips a designer purse (louis vuitton/ le sport sac?) under the jacket, casually walks out.

in the magazine store: walk in with a bag. peruse several racks. don't take too long. drop 3 magazines into your bag, buy only one . leave quickly but without alarm.

in the gourmet market, buy one item. always buy something. pocket the expensive sliced prosciutto, or a nice cheese.

vasil was from ukraine. the new ukraine, that cowboy wild west state of post gorbachev russia.
when he arrived, he was hired as a building super. his boss took him to home depot to buy some tools. at the car, after shopping, vasil proudly showed off his wares: over $300 of tools lined his jacket, drills etc

___________________

this bar is the biggest scam of all. we sit here all night. some of us write it off as a loss, to deduct from our residual income as actors. the crime is that it is legal.
we also have a big money partner who runs some of his cash money through here as well. we don't have to do anything, we all draw a few dollars each week.

_______________
chinatown is not what you'd think.
there are no takeout/delivery chinese menu's.


________________
child in chinatown:
she walks with her daddy. discovers a coffee shop. they share and enjoy chinese savories: hot dogs in buns, sweet roast pork buns.

we play on the market street playground.
the people of chinatown are very friendly with children. my daughter had just eaten oreo cookies, her mouth was dirty with chocolate. a woman stopped us, said your mouth is dirty, i will wipe it. we followed her into her store front office, she gave us paper napkins.

_________________-

she says:
i'll never date a guy who 's a vegetarian.

other petty crimes?

everytime i go to whole foods, i first take a tray of sushi, brown rice with broiled eel and avocado in a take out tray. i eat it as i shop with my cart.


the biggest fear:
guy is out on date, or just flirting with the waitress.
it's time to pay: the waitress hands him the card "DECLINED".
___________________________
what the hell do we do all day/ we sit around.
the other night the bouncer got fired. poor julio. everynight he'd have more than a few drinks. the bartenders would give him drinks for his friends. he'd be sloshed. this girl was wasted, she got up on the bar, slipped and cut her head.
nobody ever cared if he was drunk, but after that night, julio didn't work there anymore.
________________________
have someone recite "the perfect negroni" from my blog.

__________________________
bar chatter:
guy" you don't call them rich people here"
girl"what do you call tehm?"
guy"you call them worthy"
_____________________
should i be ashamed? my grandfather didn;t found klondike bars, or any other great american food processing companies.
but he shure could cook, and forgae for wil d mushrooms, and grow vegetables...
he came over at age 16, worked in the thriving local shoe mills. at one time he held the city record for most shoes assembled by hand in one day.
i guess things like that were important back then.
he also in his life built 2 homes for his family. he built them with his own hands, with the help of friends, on his days off.
_____________________
i must be the only person who likes waiting for the bus at night. i even like the bus ride home, after a long night working in a kitchen.
i like the bus.
on the ride home,i unwind, a visual panorama of the city sights,
just fall asleep and then it;s my stop.
___________________________
bar games:
audience interaction
(write on stage)
WALL OF NICKNAMEs
pet or person

(call out names, put in category)
skippy (pet? person so on...)
willy
sergei
jimmy
tiger
boobye???(pet? person? answer: no, it's both!!)
(both?)
write boobye 2 times under pet and person....
______________________

i knew i was drinking too much. i read a sherlocke holmes story.
holmes deduces from the characters behavior that he has a weakness for drink. his expensive shoes are dull and worn; fine jacket is in need of mending...he blames this carelessness on drinking.

siobhan looks in the mirror, dreaming:
"do you think i'm pretty?"
she is washing mason's feet...he dreams she is over him like an arabic princess, with a saber held high, holding his head by the hair...he looks up and says :"MERCY"
______________
mason:
I read a book about muslims and jews, dutch and germans, americans and latinos- how does anything get done at all? how do people agree to build a building? to make a new law? to build a church?

siobhan: (still looking in the mirror?) all i know is it's too hard to ever find someone to marryme
mason: my hair keeps growing, my face and back,my ass;;;it won't stop
siobhan: well they'll have to call you "HAIRY DUDE"

mason:STRESS COMES FROM INEQUALITY.
be happy you have a nice, comfortable pad.
siobhan: we are god's people.
mason:
don't compare yourself to the people you work for.
siobhan: they are NOT god's people?
mason: (pinches her) here's a PINCH TO GROW AN INCH.

delia: sings children's song, dances
mon chi chi mon chi chi
i love you and you love me

mason: alters his own jeans. they are too long, he steps on them in the back. takes scissors, siobhan cuts them for him.
_____________________

idea for crime:
i ran into this business owner.he had just opened a copy/computer shop. kino's knock off.
"mason: he had that look of a madman. on the verge of failure but working for success. he grabved my hand, tugged at me. he said: "let me show you the new copy center"
(he took my hand as if to shake it, and tugged me towards the corner:"no, he said, let me show my new store"

i had an "AH HA " MOMENT.
he was petty thief.???

ok ok maybe i can fall in love??

___________
bad audition stories:
delia: we crawled around on all fours. imitating wolves. the audition was for a national tour of a well know dance troupe.
olivia: i had to prance around, in a negligey and panties, while the actor,
red faced,
hard on ,
embarassed himself.
____________
boy what is this about yoru manhood?
did your father not love you, not ever grab you as a teen and say:
"look me in the eye!
look me in the eye!
tell me about yourself.

too many young men lostout on this.maybe their fathers left, or worked too much, or died when they were still young men.
they never had the chance to become men with their fathers. because later it flips: your father will be old, childlike again; you will have grown into the role of parent:
LOOK AT ME
LOOK INTO MY EYES, PAPA
TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF

siobhan: then the girls says. ok, it's like this, "let's make atoast" but look into my eyes, or else, you.....know.....what ....(7 years of bad sex)
mason: yeah laughs hahahahah
siobhan: ok yes it's funny but it's my one seriously funny moment
_______________
delai:at the last stop:
talk about staying up all nite long.
what happened when the owner walked in?
sibhan: he groaned.
then he was relieved it was only us.
mason; we are family to him.
siobhan: he's agood person. he might be a financial failure, but he's still a good person.
mason: but he's only that way now because he fucked overso many people for money. sure they were greedy, too, or why else would they given him money in thefirst place?
siobhan: but he still fucked them over.
mason: so he'sa good person because he was bad person.

THAT'S AN AH HA MOMENT!!!

(AT THE LAST STOP)
MASON: when i had a little success, i got a lot of sexual success....getting that satisfaction... i lost my drive to perform. i'mjust writer now.


kids are still wokring on their acts.
delia steps onstage, starts dancing, humming along....da da da da
delia: i was achild prodigy. i'll make a toast with this
cai pi rin ya
this is the second day i'm not drinking!!!!

it is strange but true.
the sudden onset of sexual success made him lose some of his appetite for getting applause form audiences. "i found myself as a writer."

_____________________
child entertainer: let's sing a medley of old commercials: likea good nighbour, state farm is there

junkfood:
let's have some junk food.
why should we even know what kfc means?
or verizon?

well, kfc could stand for:......kinky......french.....chicks
hello, kinky french chicks!!
yes, i'd like some junk food!!

bar game:
cereal without a bowl.
ingredinets:
1 box lucky charms.
1 quart milk. organic??
even if i drink...organic....vegan...hormone free milk... i still stand a chance of....dying....
no bowl.
i just use my mouth!!!