twocancook

on the wagon notes

2009-03-04T16:12:00.000-08:00

your skin did look good the other night.
so there are benefits to drying out!

terms i can live with:
drying out
on the wagon

words i despise:
sober
sobriety

foreplay (baseball?)

2009-01-28T08:20:00.000-08:00

(from 2006 - some notes, some poetry)

foreplay.

baseball.
we cried in that japanese basement. work was finished,
we had no home
no home to go home to.

i dreamed of BASEBALL.
hold up that mighty bat.....
boys dream of this moment.
i swing , i miss....swing, miss....swing ,miss...

for some reason, this game makes boys into healthy men.

one time i dated an old school, east village woman, carla.
in the 80's,
she told me,
she had had
the best ass
on 2nd avenue.

we met late one night at that coke bar, 119,
near union square.
the bar staff where i worked
used to go there after closing.
for a while, 119 became a habit.
women waiting up late, for something... i would wait ,too.
looking back, i know there was no point in waiting up past midnight at a bar.
most of those folks needed some kind of drugs. i just wanted to meet a girl.

with carla,
uplate that night.
just staying up late....waiting....
a few days later, we agreed to meet on a sunday afternoon,
at her old haunt walkers in tribeca.
it was the world series. one of her few healthy pursuits was baseball.
we watched the whole game.
this was 15 years ago, so i don't think the yankees were in it...
after beers,we went to her place

it's true. the great game of baseball is also great foreplay!
i should have said 'this was great'. we'll have to make a date for the same time next year. we'll watch one of these baseball games together, have a few beers, go back to your place.

it was never the same after that. another date or two. just wasn't the same without baseball. i think that's why she would go out late,hope for drugs....

GO GROOVY

2009-01-24T11:56:00.000-08:00

GO GROOVY.
thoughts turned to obama
and pepsi's multinational campaign
to
GO GROOVY.
but they couldn't quite find the groove,
mistepping
every
step
with phrases like
HO HOWDY.
they should have hired me
with my playful lyricism.
so i'll turn this into
A POEM FOR JULIE.
(like a song, and clap for accent after each word)
JULIE......
GO GROOVY........
it's not a gravy.........but it could be/
please don't tell me......... that it's pepsi/
what it could be.........is your birthday....

(now back to the poetry, the music turns off)

hey julie
go groovy
it's not a gravy
but it could be
please don't tell me
that it's pepsi
what it could be
is your birthday

__________

GO GROOVY trademarked 2009 by jimmy carbone, sorry pepsi

too much beer? a holiday poem

2008-12-12T13:12:00.000-08:00

stop by and visit
with open hands.

show me your empty pockets.

do not be afraid to say
"more beer please, sir"

we will not disappoint any of
you weary,
hardworking souls.

happy holidays.

super bowl poem

2008-02-04T12:42:00.000-08:00

super bowl poem
______________

Sweet honeys/

boys
like to play

with footballs/

from birth
we can't help it/

a good woman

will know this,

pitch in,

make some GUACOMOLE.

lyrical rapping

makes this dope.

dope it is,

please
please
please......

give me a new shirt, i'll get it dirty

2007-12-21T12:06:00.000-08:00

give me a new shirt, i'll get it dirty.

for the first time in 8 years, i bought a new jacket.
mid december cold.
my old black thick winter jacket, yes that should be a brand:
my old black thick winter jacket.com

the zipper had broken.

mid december cold.
walking around, clutching this jacket....feeling the cold...

so i bought a new jacket.
patagonia, fancy, not a jacket but a "down sweater.'

my wife ,peers, workers all commented on it. it did create envy in a few of them.

uh oh, big red flag. don't buy clothes that breed envy...

i did look good. handsome in a sporty, 40 ish dad kind of way.

today, 3 days later,i got my first rip.
i tore the sleeve in the kitchen......

everytime i get a new shirt, or put on a clean one, it always gets dirty.
whether it's a splash of coffee...tomato sauce stain...pick up a box and carry mark....christmas tree pine tar smear...
it happens to me.

i dont' fight it either.

i also usually don't mind. my clothes are just clothes. until i buy something new...

i understand the metrosexual mindset. if you're always buying and wearing new, clean clothes, you're probably more than a wee bit clothes aware. so you can't always let loose, might hesitate before opening the door for a lady , you might not feel 100% about pounding a few beers and making out with a bar chick.....

yes new clothes can change a person.

no matter what, give me a new shirt, i'll get it dirty.
i've accepted that my station in life depends on me getting my shirt dirty.....

chefs seeking happy endings

2007-12-01T10:02:00.000-08:00

chefs have come a long way.

in the old days,women would walk into my kitchen, say provocative lines like: "i like to f&*k chefs the way some girls like to f*&k drummers...."

you would think it would be easy for a chef. they meet lots of women, they have secret rooms, like the walkin refrigerator, the store room, the liquor room.....

maybe things have changed a bit in the restaurant world. maybe there isn't room any more for young anthony bourdain's to find themselves in the kitchen.

it's definitely more competitive.

how did it come to this?

my chef friend asked me if i knew where to get a good happy ending.
we were talking about spa's. there's a spa on second avenue, called spa belles, but it's not really a spa, it's a nail salon....some of the staff had pitched in to get me a "full spa" treatment for my birthday, my wife ended up using it. i think the kitchen guys chipped in because when they heard "spa' they thought "happy endings".
where have these boys been? at spa belles, a spa treatment is a list of typical ladies favoprites - pedicure, manicure, facial, foot wash and rub, neck massage...that's about it.

i told him he should try one of the neighbouring chinese tui-na (?) massage storefronts. what has made them so popular, anyways,that they are ubiquitous - there is one on every block in manhattan. have you ever gone for a happy ending? i asked the chef?
well, no, you don't go in and ask for a happy ending. you go in for a full 1 hour massage.....then you don't need to ask, they just do it.....

dishwasher dilemna

2007-11-27T12:37:00.000-08:00

rachel screwed up my life.

i write for this salon...
every month,i knock out a short play, some children's poems, sometimes a humorous reading....it was a lot of fun.
however, one salon night, not too long ago, i had a change of heart.
rachel, a writing teacher at the new school, suggested i submit some material to magazines - the new yorker, playboy....

why this???
why couldn't she have said:
oh i like your writing, you should do more.
or,
i had a similar experience when my father died/
or,
i also had very bad asthma from working in a kitchen and the only non medical relief came from foreplay/

etcetera.....

she put me on the spot. "this can't be for fun. you have to take it more seriously."

now i'm stressed. i freeze up.....

it makes me think about work.my real job. and the dishwasher dilemna.....

"oh shit.
could it get any worse?"
it was a holiday weekend. half the staff was away.
rusty, who works as a host and back up dishwasher, called me.
"my grand father died last night." he said
" i have to leave for the weekend."
so, on a busy friday night, i did some dishes, ran some food, worked as the host...
the next day, carmen , who is the manager and the other jack of all trades around here, called me as well.
"my grandmother died this morning." she said
" i have to leave tonight for a few days."

holy shit!! now i'm really fucked....

i need a dishwasher.....

"hey, it'll be ok.... chef, staff, don't worry everything will be ok....
i'll work the streets. i know how to do this. i know everybody."

am i the only person freaking out?

"why am i doing this, anyways?" i say to myself as i hurry out to second avenue.
"yeah, i know the streets. i know the supermarket cashiers, the laundromat ladies, the window guy at san loco, the bengali deli guy "david", and george the butcher at the east village meat market. who am i fooling? i might as well post an ad on craigslist...."
at met food, the supermarket, i asked the cashier, rosa...."i need a dishwasher.here is my card. if you know anyone, they should come at 4 oclock. thank you , rosa."
they know me. i always say hello, i say thank you....they will know someone....

next.at the laundromat.
i say "hello, if you know anyone, i need a dishwasher, to start at 4 o clock. just have him come over. "
"how young can he be?"christina asks me.
" how young?"
" can he be 16?"she inquires....
" yes, yes, 16 is ok, please send someone over...."
then i remember...... several years ago,i had asked her if she knew anyone who could babysit.
she sent her teenage daughter, anna, to babysit our daughter.
she wasn't bad. she hadn't done anything wrong.
she just didn't do ANYTHING. and when she left, she asked if her boyfriend could come over the next time.

"that's ok, i'll see whom she sends over anyways....maybe she'll surprise me.but i know i won't be thrilled with ANYONE she sends....."

now i'm on to better operations.
san loco, the taco shop on second avenue. the window guy knodded to me. hey he knows me, i get lunch there so many afternoons......yes, it's me. "i'm a good guy......please send someone over."he nods to me, i walk out. you wouldn't think so, but sometimes i'm a little shy...

at the bengali deli...sam's....i talked with david."jimmy, how much does it pay?" was all he asked. good question.....i hadn't thought of that.

george the polish butcher.....he wants to do it himself. good old george. he calls me "gaa-neck" that means jimmy in ukrainian....i remember over the years he had hinted to me, several times, that he could do extra work for me, on the side......but he is too old, over 60...
"no. george, a young guy"
-no, george- didn't send anyone over.

i turned to craigs list.
" there's always craigslist." i said.

our first, franchise dishwasher, mack, came from craigslist.
"it's a good way to edit people out without alienating anyone. it's anonymous....."

i typed in.'dishwasher wanted. east village restaurant/pub. work 3 days...."

within 5 minutes, i had an answer. robbie, from d.c....
he wrote well, had worked in a hip dc pizzeria called "comet ping pong pizza". i googled it. a pizza place, with ping pong tables, cheap chic decor....ok ,this fits the bill, even if he didn't really work there or they hated him....at least he can reference an interesting establishment.he was new to the city, lived in brooklyn, worked at an art handling company.great! my new mack!

i needed someone for 3 nights. only 3 nights.

i decided i would pay robbie at the end of the 3 nights. if he didn't like the job, he would take his first night's pay, and not come back the next. i couldn't risk that.....
around 10pm, when his first night's shift was almost over, i talked with robbie. "you'll get paid monday night, after you've worked the 3 nights."
i saw something in his eyes....he wasn't happy about that.....

he said:
"you said tonight would be a trial, for both of us. well, i don't like the job. i can't come back tomorrow."
"what?!? it's a 3 day job. someone's grandfather died...i need you..."
"i'm sorry . it was a trial for me as well as for you."
i walked away. "ok"i said as i threw up my hands
in helpless disgust.

i wasn't happy.
just then, wilson, an older gentleman-customer, walked into the bar.
i like wilson. until fairly recently, he had lived in short hills , new jersey, with an aging wife on one side of town, where he lived, and a not so young girlfriend on the other side of towm, where he spent a lot of his time.
one day, it all blew up on him. both sides of town hated him. he moved to manhattan, to an apartment on east 6th street....
some of the bar staff didn't like him. he had a way of provoking them. he liked to boss them around.....

wilson noticed i wasn't my cheery self.
"you're in a dilemna. GET OUT OF IT!"

"no. wilson. i'm not."
i was pissed off, so angry at this robbie the dishwasher fellow.....

i took mack aside.
"mack, the new guy is not coming back tomorrow. he's quitting. give him all the glasses now, extra dishes,..."
he looked confused.
so i spoke plainly."PILE IT UP ON HIM.'
he winked at me, and said, with a smile, "i already am."

ha ha

we'll teach this boy a lesson.

i gathered my things. it was time to go home. i spoke to the chef"call this number in the morning. this guy gabrielle, from the laundromat" will work tomorrow.
the chef nudged me. "it's all right. he's coming back"
"he is?"
he nodded.

i turned around, smiled at robbie, patted him on the back....

hee hee
he is!!

i had almost lost my temper on him. "get the fuck out of here"i had wanted to scream....where is his coat? i'll throw it at him,tell him to "get the fuck out of here...." and i won't pay him?

or i should pay him?

so i was in a dilemna.
wilson was right.

wilson, i was angry......now i'm not.....
but he was gone. he had ordered his one chimay beer, bossed the girls around, read my mind and egged me on. and then he left.
good old wilson!!

i still don't know what the chef had said to robbie, but he had convinced him to stay. that we were in a bind, that it would be good "karma"....
is that good karma???

____________________________

Actual conversation/writing for playboy?

2007-11-16T14:07:00.000-08:00

I had an actual conversation with a little italy actor named butch the hat, who has appeared in several martin scorsese films.

it was october 1st, 2007. i was waiting for the m15 bus, at second avenue and 9th street. it was late but not too late, maybe 1am.

butch the hat, whom i've met from time to time in little italy, was at the stop. i said hello, he said he had been at a party. he preferred the bus. he didn't want to walk home eventhough it wwasn't very far.

we talked about how the city had changed. he told me to google him, that he had been in some movies.
he said:
"mob? what mob?....
there were guys walking around with $400 suits/
back when a beer cost a dollar/
walking around with $2,000 in their pockets.
"they were all part of the street action. there was numbers, gambling.....that's all gone now. .....

now....

people can get $30,000 from their credit cards..there's the lotto, lottery....
it took away the street action.
"people used to stand on the corners.
it was safe then."

_______________

writing for playboy?

i was recently asked to write a short story for playboy. i was thrilled, and confused.
when i write, i prefer to use code-words, like "kissing and rubbing". i'm not shy, but i do have a 5 year old daughter.

"we like your writing, mr. pots and pans. but we want you to substitute specific sexual words for "kissing and rubbing."

boy, would i love to write, and get paid to write. a story for playboy!!

ladies , don't be offended. i read the magazine at my barber's. it's part of the ritual. pick up the magazine, wait for the barber. now i even read it while he's cutting my hair.
when we were kids, the only real exposure i had to it was at donny johnson's. his dad had a great collection in his closet.
the older kids, like donny , my brother mike, had a hierarchy of dirty magazines.
from dirty to dirtiest:
1. playboy
2. penthouse
3. hustler.

i only got to see the playboy. there was a lot of hair, misty photos. the ladies didn't look real to me. there was a lot of flesh....some lacey garments. i was a little too young for it all, all of 8 or 9.....
what was a sexy lady supposed to look like to an 8 or 9 year old boy? i really had no clue what it all was about. i knew that it was taboo...and it seemed old.

not just for grownups, but slightly out of date.

once the older boys found a penthouse as well. that was supposed to be a little dirtier than the playboy. apparently, pent house could show the girl's "hole" and playboy could not.
but this penthouse was even mistier. the ladies had even more hair on their heads, bigger hair, longer and more flowing. it was a trip.
who styled these women? who did their hair?
i never got the chance to see a hustler at that age. and i don't know if i ever did as i got older, either.

however, one day,at a cafe in the east village, i did see the publisher of screw magazine. i forget his name. he was older, really thin, wearing black.

all i can remember is what the older kids said to me back then:
"yeah, they go from dirty to dirtiest":
1. playboy
2. penthouse
3. hustler.

looking back, my friend donny probably talked to his dad about the magazines. it always seemed that even though his dad had them stashed in his closet, they really weren't off limits. maybe his mom would get mad about them, but his dad liked them.

donny was this cool, older friend. when he was 12, he had a girlfriend. he had had a hernia operation. amazingly, just a few days later, he was riding his bike with a girl on the front bar, side saddle.
girls, blow jobs. kissing and rubbing. early teens.donny johnson was the cool guy.

my story should be about this. these times, watching my older friends hook up with girls. act real cool. ride girls on the front of their bikes.

for some reason, i ended up playing baseball, football. having crushes on girls. never talking to them.

my older brother was shy. i heard that at the 7th grade dance, he didn't ask even one girl to dance. i made it a point that when i got to 7th grade, i would dance......

(more on this)\
_______________________________

oedipus

the draft was invented to combat the oedipal urge.
take young men.
draft them,
send them off.

lest they take what is their father's.....

it never seemed real. how ridiculous! imagine a mother falling in love with her son, manipulating him to try to kill his own father.....

now that i have a kid, i see the love mother's have for their sons. i see how they love their boys.

i'm lucky i have a daughter. she is so devoted ,such a loving child.

when she was first born, the doctor handed her to me. purplish red. and not a boy.

_________________

the call

i spent 20 years waiting for that call.
"your father died."
i lived for 20 years, in dread/fear that it would happen. ominous fear that just when i was relaxed , and had my guard down, i would get that call.
i'd be at home, the rare night when i wasn't working.
the phone rings.
i jump up.
if it is my mother's voice, i would expect to hear - could it be that call- "your father is dead."

the actual call was so unlike that.
my wife, pixie, called me a week and a half ago.
"there's something i want to tell you....."
i interrupt her: " i know. he died."

(silence)

he had been ill. 3-4 months, age 87. i had visited him 2 days before. at the time of his death, i had been sending out an email to friends with a story about my relationship with him....

i took the chinatown bus to boston. fung wah, from bowery and canal. very courteous. i got to use the bathroom at the ticket store.
4 hours to boston, $15, 2 more hours to my hometown, another $8. i walked across boston to north station for fresh air....

travel. travel.
the energy of travel. always going somewhere. and doing very little...and waiting....

i'm freezing up now. i hated the trip. felt very macho as well. proud to be traveling on a little pilgrimage to see my dad.
the train was delayed coming out of boston. i arrived at the hospital with only 45 minutes of visiting time.....

i touched his hair. he was not well, not happy.
he sternly said:"how can you live the way you do, walk up 4 flights of stairs.....sell that business, move back here/...."

i touched his hair. he asked me to leave the room, to get the nurse so he could use the toilet.
i peaked in at him, on the portable hospital commode. he did not want me to see him like that. proper to the end. they left him there. sitting on the toilet. no one came back to check on him.
what could i do? hey, i'm from new york now!that's my father! he just took a piss and now he needs someone to help him back into his chair.!!!!!!

nobody would help him. nobody would answer me.

his hands were shaking. both hands were shaking. the red sox were playing cleveland in the championship series. the tv was on in his room. he kept fiddling with the controls. he thought the tv remote was the controller for his medicine, or medical equipment. it kept beeping. he kept on fiddling with it....

i looked at the clock. it was 5 of 8...i traveled back home to see my dad. he was ill.

i left him there. visiting time was over, but no one had asked me to leave.
my brother had picked me up at the train depot downtown. he had initially wanted to take me home first.
"mike, there's only 45 minutes left before visiting hours are over. take me to the hospital."
"no. mama said to take you home, you have to eat."
"mike, take me to the hospital. i traveled 6 hours to see dad. "

the next morning i went back to nyc.
on the bus, i read the new yorker.
there was a story about kosovo.
soldiers who had seen their father killed by a band of serbs....they were not upset, not angry about this.
"it is far worse to see your children die, than your father."

--------

halloween

the traditions of halloween are bizarre.

imagine, take the most misshapen pumpkin or gourd, cover it with caramel.....make a strange, inedible "candied apple"....

i have logged a list of traditional, scary, spooky, folk stories. from old america, tyrolean, chinese....

1. from china - the story of the man named sung who was not afraid of ghosts.....
2. the old lady who had more curiousity than sense. she peeked out her window at a forbidden band of howling, freaky ghouls.
3. the old man, dinkins, who died but wasn't buried properly. so he kept greeting passerbies who'd say: "but old man dinkins died"; he'd say "t'tain't so."
4.the good, young cleaning girl who uses her wits to stay an abduction by goblins."you will marry our goblin son, " they said.
"yes, but first,i need a wedding gown made of golden thread."
the gobling suitor ran to the underwordl to fetch it.....
she stalled the goblins until dawn, they vanished with the first rays of the sun.

i read these stories to my daughter.
________

if i live to be 100/high school romance

2007-09-25T13:27:00.000-07:00

if i live to be 100......

i think about my dad. a lot. but we hardly ever talk. i wish he had talked to me more when i was a young man,
every crazy dream i had, every place i traveled or dollar i blew, he would have told me not to.

when i was 18, i dropped out of college, and worked to save the $150 to buy a people's express ticket to london,.....
i don't think i ever told my parents what was going on with me. that i had been so crazy,
no.... not doing drugs..... nor chasing girls.
i wish that had been my flaw.

no, it was politics.

the first day at college i had already decided that i would run for freshman class president. it took me over,i became possessesd. i shook hands with every incoming freshman, asked them their name, told them mine.

the day of the election, i won in a landslide. out of a field of 10 candidates, i had twice the number of votes as the runner up.
so it was october. my freshman year at college.
time for mid term exams.

i hadn't been to any class since the first week.
i failed all my midterms.
i tried to go to class, catch up for final exams.....and i couldn't. i just couldn't believe that i couldn't jump right back into the classes and do well. i was humiliated.
i panicked. walked around at night desparate.....sometimes crying, once seeking sheltar in a church,
singing alone
wailing
for 2 hours
and no one stopped me, no one asked me if i was ok.

the church just let me sing, pray, wail, and cry.......

not too late , i decided to leave school, better to leave now and maybe start again, better than to go on like this.

and then my first scandal:

the day i decided to take a semester off..... that is all it really was.....the school newspaper called me. the headlines read: freshman class president.....resigns...will not return next semester....

something like that.

at the time, it was humiliating......all the work i had put into getting elected.
the article seemed too cruel.......
years later i read the article. it was not cruel, only true.
i had been afraid of the truth......no one really cared about me, dropping out...

i remember telling my parents. they were very supportive. why did they let me go??
i bought the ticket, flew to london, never came back?????/

i sometimes think i'll write a book. i have more titles than words...
titles like:
a hero everyday, about being a dad...what does that mean....???
if i live to be 100....an imaginary biography of my dad....the world war 2 generation..

and then i stop writing.

my dad called me the other day. he spoke plainly to me for the first time since i was a boy.
he had been sick.
over the years he had carried me through my adventures....when i took that flight to london,
soon after, i called him for $100 to get me through a few weeks.

each time, only a few times, he sent me money. money for a youth hostel, money to buy a guitar so i could busk on the street.

i took some jobs. once i sold..er..rented..my passport to an afghani merchant who drove convoys of cars from germany to turkey, to iran, i rode all the way to the iranian border, got paid and got my passport back....

one day i realized that it was early may. i was in istanbul. school would be out soon. i took the next bus for germany, then somehow i made it to london.

i don't remember that last trip.

this was going to be my new life, traveling the world on pennies and few handouts....
i was proud that i had lived this way for 4 months. i was excited to do it again.

back in london, there was enough money waiting for me. i bought a people's express ticket, amd flew to new york.

plain old new york.

nothing has brought me more dread over the years than returning to new york city after being away, whether on a vacation, or visiting family.

my father interruped my thoughts.

he is 87. he has been sick.
he is mad at me, at my life. now he wants to talk to me, to tell me to move back to our home town.

papa, it is too late.

if you live to be 100...you will be proud of me. you will see that you did the right things with me.

he says: "at my age, i wanted to be proud of my children, to sit back and think "what smart children i have".
'i have been too easy on you.....'"

i say:"i know ,papa. you are right.'
but i can only think:"papa, i am writing a high school romance. i want to read it to you.

'the couple was sitting in the back, talking....they kissed...
she said "you're sooo bad."
he knew not to say anything.
once this had happened, with susan. they kissed, and rubbed for quite a while. she had also said 'you're bad." that time, he had said: "no- i think you're really sexy. i always wanted you."
but that's not what she wanted to hear from him. she freaked out, and never kissed him again/ so he learned....
"i guess i should just say nothing."
so, this time,
they kissed more...and rubbed....and
she said" you're bad."
and.... he knew not to say anything....
so, then, it would never stop, right?he thought to himself....

because
she wanted him to be bad."

the end.

see papa. i always had it all wrong.
you are right. when most young men were chasing girls, i was in politics.

and now.
i should be comfortable, seeking office or promotions,instead i'm writing about high school romance......

the funeral

2007-07-31T13:34:00.000-07:00

it's amazing how they make up dead people. just a week ago, my father in law was lying on a bed in a nursing home in seminole florida. just south of tampa.

we flew down to see him, knowing death DEATH was imminent.

no food for over a week, medicated so he wouldn't get ornery. he had survived a state funded medicated planned death. to the amazement of the nurses, he somehow was the longest tenured patient in the facility.

"he's made it a lot longer than the norm. most folk come in to die. he was brought in, and lived."

three years and counting.

part of the thriving health care,or, dying industry.

i'm a little distant from all of this because he wasn't my father. at the same time, i've been a spectator to it all.....estates, second wives, he was 85.

questions like:

why did he have to move to florida? why did he have to stay in florida? why couldn't he be moved back to new jersey? why haven't you visited him? why doesn't his (2nd ) wife care for him? why did he buy his 2nd wife a new house so her grown daughter could live with them? why
did he get sick right after moving into this house?

why did our mother die 15 years ago, so suddenly and unexpectdly, at age 66?

wouldn't this all be different if she were still alive?
____________________________

(that was last week.
now it's this week. after he dies.)

it's amazing how they make up dead people.

he almost looks like gerald ford. stately, light blue jacket, red tie, american flag poised above the coffin.

his cousin, bill holcombe. well known musician, age 83.

"what is the schedule tomorrow. for the funeral. "

"i would like to play amzing grace on the saxophone, as i played it on flute when joan (his wife) had died."

"i'll have to ask."

"big brother, how would you feel if bill holcombe played at the gravesite?"

"i don't know about that...hesitant...i'll have to ask ...mywife"

"bill, i asked and he's not sure."

"i knew he'd say no. his wife doesn;'t like me."

he got to play, and after the funeral ,people who hadn't talked to him said"if you come up to boston, we'll take you out for dinner."

bill replied"ok"

"we'll take you the best restaurant in boston."

(i'm thinking. what's the best restaurant in boston called?"

bill says"what's its called"

the man pauses, stunned by the direct question from this 83 year old man. o0bviosuly NO FOOL.

"ob 23" he says.

the conversation stops. i guess he just wanted to talk to some old fool, to make himself feel like he was being a nice guy,

but bill holcombe is no old fool.

check out www.billholcombe.com

bill is a well known arranger and composer, for big bands and orchestras.
he attended the univ of penn in 1941...after ww2, he worked in nyc for tommy dorsey's big band, as saxophonist and staff arranger.....
1960's, wrote for the recording orchestra 101 strings (my parents had some of those albums) by day, played in broadway musicals by night.
1970's, played with burt bacharach.

he always had a stutter. he is still married ,with 5 or 6 grown children....

___________________

it was made clear to me a few days before the funeral , that

i would be one of the ushers

and

i would need to wear a white shirt and a tie.a white shirt that could button the neck.

both of which i didn't own.

my wife bought me a gray tie, banana republic. on the way to the funeral, i bought a white shirt at banana as well.

"i need a dress white shirt. but it needs an extra wide neck. i usually buy extra large shirts here, but i need something with a bigger neck..."

"the extra large is the biggest size we have, sir>"

(i'm always "sir" now.)

ok i';ll take it.

i'm in trouble now. i won't be able to button the collar of my white shirt.....

_____

the morning of the funeral, i struggled with my outfit. i also cut myself shaving. blood ran down my neck. i couldn't button the collar of my shirt, the tie was too short, blood stained the collar...

later my wife laughed about the blood.

i thought blood at a catholic funeral would be cool.

look honey,i'm just like jesus.'

afterwards, i'll save and frame the damned shirt, like curt shilling's bloodied sock from the 2004 world series....

_____________

in the church:

the priest began:

when you are born'/

you have no way of knowing/

where you'll live,/
who your friends will be,/
what job you'll have...../

the only that is certain is DEATH...

i zone out.

time for prayers:

our father

hail mary'

'

the complete mass

i know it all by heart.

18 years x 52 weeks plus = 1,000 times i have recited these pryaers, sat through this mass.....

as i say the prayers, i go into a trance,

'

did you ever see the original manchurian candidate, with frank sinatra??

he was brainwashed, so when he saw a certain presidential candidate,he would switch into killing mode.

as i recited the prayers, my pride returned, my head swelled, oh look at me, i know all the pryaers, even the priests lines.....

1,000 repetitons over 18 years....

i go into a trance.

i will kill. i will go to war. i will do anything, for you lord.

this not so subtle brainwashing.....

i collapse.

'it took me 10 years in nyc to break the control that those prayers had over me. all it took was one church service, one repetition to make me tremble.

i had been bad., i had not been to church in over...20 ...years.....

i am a robot. i will do anything.....i will say my prayers.

i will join the army.i will give all my money to the church. i will never have sex until i am married....i will go to church every week. i will cross myself everytime i pass the altar.

'if you need an usher or altar boy, i am here to serve.....

yes father. iwill serve. i will serve.....

_______________

meanwhile

the kids, 4, 6, and 8

had been kneeling at the coffin, in the funeral home.

their grandpa, the big d. they laugh, touch his made up face.

"why are his legs covered?"

"his hands are cold"

"don't touch his face, kids. his make up will come off"

"make up?'

"yes just last week he was very sick. he didn't look this good"

"he almost looks like gerald ford."

"his body is dead.

he will go to the cemetary. it's kind of like the junk yard in the movie cars. but his dreams, mind will live on....."

____________________

this wierd guy...

2007-04-24T11:01:00.001-07:00

this wierd guy....
i don't know if this ever happens to you, but it happens to me all the time.

i'm at the cheese store, and someone comes up to me and says"hello mr. carbone".

someone who knows my name. and i have no idea who they are????

i try to chat without revealing the truth....
"oh, hello. are you here to try some cheese?"
"i just got back from 40 days in turkey, i traveled the overland route"
"oh,so you went through bulgaria?"
"well,no, i started at the heel of italy, in basilicata, took the ferry to greece, ended up in istanbul and anatolia.i was researching the origins of pizza.

afte a few minutes, he relaized i didn't know who he was.
"oh i used to go to your old restaurant with carol anne...."

i still dont' knowwho this guy is.
i am getting senile...am i drinking too much beer? i have no recall for people from the past. in my defense,i can say that i do meet quite a lot of people,and quite frankly,if you're not a woman i might not remember who you are.
so i still had no idea who this guy was.

he had read about the upcoming cheese-beer-choc0late tasting....
he had smuggled back illegal food products from turkey, like camel pastrami. he said 'i figured out that camel was probably the first pastrami, as the people who first made it were surrounded by camels"
and, so i tasted illegal, smuggled through customs, camel pastrami,made in turkey..
it was awesome, red, tender, fresh (as fresh as pastrami can be)
i wondered, is it halaal?

he said
i don't know which side this animal is on, it has a cloven hoof...??
who knows, is camel meat halaal? kosher?

"oh, and by the way,let mehave your email:

his name is
jack@rusher.com

"rusher is my last name"

so i said, jack, if i go to rusher.com i can read about what you're doing??

so i did:

go to rusher.com

you'll find a cool site devoted to books and book arcania:

(from rusher.com)

in 1276
"this early paper was known as rag paper. because it was made by rendering linen rags into a pulp that was pressed onto screens and left to dry...considered too fragile for books, it was immediately pressed into service for currency..(yes, paper money...)
the new currency was quite popular because it gave banks the ability to produce credit notes from a cheap and plentiful resource.
a popular song from the 16th century summarized the effect of paper money on the peasant class:
rags make paper
paper makes money
money makes banks
banks make loans
loans make beggars
beggars make rags!"'"

thank you mr jack

___________
another strange person

what does "besos" mean? can you sign it on your emails?

i had a co worker names "jake"...not his real name...ok so his real name was "josh".

he always signed his emails "besos"

does that mean kisses??

if so, it's kind of fake and suck -uppy

maybe a little flirty

and i wanted to dis the hell out of it,but now i use it myself

'olivia
thanks for having me in the show
besos
jimmy

what does that say aobut me? maybe i'm angry at this jake-josh fellow....i used to think that 'besos' was cute and flirty,a little more interesting than "best" "xo" .....

how do you sign your emails? text messages?

_______--

friday night. a woman changed into her jimmy's no.43 t shirt at the bar. she peeled off her top, nice bra!, and put her t shirt on....that is exibitionism.
i know she wanted me to look at her. so i did.

"yow zer!"

at the bar, one of the regulars "robbie" not his real name. was sitting with his fiance. he panted "wow zer"....his fiance got mad at him.
she wasn't mad that he had looked at the woman as she changed her top. she was mad because he had made a moaning sound...."why do you always have to make such wierd sounds in public??

they spent about 1/2 an hour arguing amongst themselves, and left

the woman, black princess, was hardly worth arguing over...
in fact she had just worked as a nude model for a live model art class ,right here inthis room.

when i poked my head in, all i could smell was
oil and sweat

youknow,that scented body oil kind of oil?

i told michelle who worked here about it. i said,,michelle, i didn;t really see what was going on in the live nude mdoel art class, but it sure did smell like oil and sweat.

she said "oh, that's because i was in there last night" ...you know...and she blushed

ok, the room smelled like oil and sweat. and she said "you know...' and she blushed.

michelle? what were you talking aobut

back to black princess

the host of the art class had introduced me to her, "this is princess,our model"

she shot him down" it's black, black princess. black is my first name."
obviously he had mixed up her name before.
maybe he's drinks too much and he's getting senile?
?
i do that all the time as well. especially when i have a new staff emember. there's a new waitress workinghere, her name is melanie. i call her melissa....

so i talk to black princess all the time.

oil and sweat???

in an art class??

_______________________________

new england/bridge freezes over

2007-01-03T14:47:00.000-08:00

my grandfathers house is for sale, the house he built, then sold around 1905.

my grandmother had too much ambition. she moved her family out of her dream house, with hard wood floors, built by her still young husband with his young energy. a popular italian restaurant had opened a few lots down. there was a garden in the back, with men drinking, playing bocce lawn bowling....why did she move out of her dream house??

`___________
it's the 1970's.....my hometown.....acdc playing 'hell's bells, everybody getting stoned...

strip my brother down. he's corpulant, massive...thyroid gland went crazy from the 80's lithium that doctors gave him.
my father's eyes say it all, "a piece of shit' looking at my brother talk about being out of work.

1970's: mike running through the woods, being chased by the ministers sons jsut moved here from california....they cahse him, tie him up, whip him with reeds in the wet, overgrown

taunting him. my fatehr chasing me: you little shit, after i learnedwhat givign the finger meant, and how to make babies

my brother working inhigh school at the market basket supermarket, taunted by the other grocery boys.what happened to him there, he never was the same

strip him down, zoom in onhis belly...this piece of shit
__________---
i made a mistake, i told you.i know i lied, but i talked toyou about itbecasue i had to stress allyear aobut paying off the money..getting through that first summer
i was proud, yes i was proud of myself. i had jsu tmad ethe fianl payment,passed inspections, fully licensed. so i told you , i had lied..

________________-
new england road signs

bridge freezes over

my dad's sign: ice panels cause ice slides

outisde our side door, to warn you that ice might fall off the roof.
the neighbourhood kids alwasy laughed at that sign: ice panels cause ice slides. i'm not sure why now??

real time/boxing

2006-11-06T08:43:00.000-08:00

real time

my brother was an actor. what he liked about acting - being onstage with an audience,etc - he could not get from going to mass cattle call auditions for tv and film roles in nyc...so,he moved to rhode island,he teaches yoga, music with children, storytelling....

real time

10 years, i had an idea for a story...i thought : this could be a movie. i could picture it in my mind, over several weeks the story unfolded, new expiences became new images...

then i realized: i'm not a filmmaker. i could care less about actually making a movie. a lot of standing around, conferring with and figuring out who knows what!!?????

i like to be in real time

babym, i want you now!!
i can't get into internet dating.i want to know someone, go walk over to their house, and get it on.
i'm talking to you, and then i want to kiss you...

it's kind of like boxing.

here's my skit, with sean:

"my name is daddy underpants
i like to wear my pants
and dance
i'm daddy underpants>'

this was my training song.

i'd sing it over and over.

there is no beauty to boxing. it's not a thoroughbred race.

the other night we saw the saturday hbo fights.
one mismatch, 6'1" paul williams versus a ringer, 5'9" underdog. of course the underdog lost every round, got his head pounded, his nose broken, his eyes cut, his already dumb brain dumb'd somemore.

the announcer said he was 'courgaeous'.

it was really a mismatch, and the loser got the shit best out of him.

the final, (headline?) match was also a mismatch. mayweather (pound for pound the best fighter in the world) vs blharim?? from argentina.

the argentine slugged it out for the entire 12 rounds. he even won the last round. but he wasn't a very well trained fighter.

all he could do was swing swing swing, take a punch, swing swing siwng.

only 5% of his swings hit mayweather, a ridiculously low ratio. mayweather threw fewer punches, but around 1/3 his the argenitne.

in this mismatch, nobody called the argentine 'courageous."

there were comments that the winner, mayweather, was a coward because his moves and legs were so good at evading punches, keeping him away from trouble.

that brings us backto real time. is it aobut courage??

the first fighter, the fighter who got his brains bashed as a showcase fight for the winner,was called courageous.
he had heart. people love to see an underdog stand in there, take a punishment. anytime he got a punch in, few and far between, the crowd cheered.

is boxing brutal??

it reminds of the pied piper, of the irish amercian kid's i grew up with.

it was important to be able to take a beating. almost more important than being able to give oneout.

a severe culture of punishment, the best being able to take more than anyone else.

the pied piper of hamlin. the only child who survived received as an act of charity from the piper, this gift:
the piper cut off his toes out of charity because the boy was kind and had shared his supper with the stranger.
when the piper led off the town's children, that one buy was spared because he could not keep up with the others, slowed by his injured foot.

i grew up with people like this.

"my name is daddy underpants.
i like to wear my pants
and dance
i'm daddy underpants."

______

master

we all need a master?? health dept, coaches...

in training, we need the coach to be our master, to have authority over us. experience is a slow and underpaid teacher...by the time we figure it out for ourselves, we would have lost too many matches to contend or to even be considered by an opponent.

experience is a slow and underpaid teacher.

_________________________

the night before thanksgiving. ok honey, i won't drink any beer. i bought a red sweater for thanksgiving.

a red sweater? your color is navy blue.

yeah. i bought a red sweater.
honey it's the night before thanksgiving. of course i'm going to drink a few beers.
________________

imagine you are young living in brazil. a life of music - come join us!!

do not fear the sounds we make
we sing AND dance
we sing AND dance
we sing AND dance

it might be the water that we drink

it might be the water outside our windows.
we sing AND dance...
_____________
the new paradigm/we sit too much

set the table with salad. but why set the table at all??
i'll join a gym, and snakc from morn til night.
it's the sitting that hinders digestion.
yes , i know for i too once sat for meals.
_____________
enlightened t/ disaster.
we all have masters. sometimes we just hav eot do what they say.

king of fools

2006-10-12T10:09:00.000-07:00

king of fools

when i was younger, i'd ask myself: should i aspire to be the king of fools, or fool to the king?"
are they not one in the same??

chinatown: i will lead you by one finger. i will make you walk backwards...now, forwards....follow me, all this with the tip of my index finger. this is the power of chinese wrestling. we practice every day, at the pace high school field, below hestr street.

i was walking with georgia and we came across this most beautiful dance. chinese wrestling.

____

sphinx: i'll get a job where the money's kept

2006-09-15T13:18:00.000-07:00

this story.

a few weeks ago, outside commerce bank on bond and broadway. prosperous area.

the brinks truck pulled up. one man drew his handgun, as the other wheeled a heavy handtruck of coins onto the sidewalk. some latin men walked by, he raised his gun, over his head.

must be a tough job, giving this trained and experienced - and licensed - weapon holder- to give him the jitters.

it was a little strange because commerce is such a friendly,family oriented bank. dog treats and lollipops (for the kids) line the counter. there is usually a policeman on the premises.

it happened agian thenext week. approximately 11:30 am, friday. the brinsk truck unloads moneyat commerce bank, bond and brodway

and then i got to thinking: i should get ajob where the money is kept. there must be a grea tbig, money dispensary, outthere, somewhere??? thye don't keep money at banks anymore.it;'s too risky. and who would be responsible.

i guess your money has been outsourced. it didn;'t happenovernight. it used to be , you could only get money out of yourown bank. no more; you an go to any deli, grocery store, or bank for that matter, and withdraw money.

what a great job??i oculd work at "sphinx".....where all themoney is ket???

first a little backgorund on me: i worked in nyc, downtown manhattan. life was ok. i had just divorced, was in a failed business...but it all seemed ok.....more later

suddenly it was 9-11......

(mor einfo)

detail it, shots of 9/11 etc

so i moved to ne worleans, a good friend magic wanda,ha dmoved there, she was also escaping, anold boyfriend. her college friedn sandy was from there and had moved back opened a great bar with liv emusic, called the levee.

strange things happen in ne worleans

i learned to make a good roux.

everyone was always amused that me, a yankee, would even try to cook new orleans food. iahd al;ways cooked, .....eah person every time i ha dot win them over andi did.....roux, gumbo

i made a lot of gumbo

stange things: magic wanda's ex followed her . his name was davey. one night out, they were held up. instead of surrendering her purse with $40 he said soemthing smart alecky. the perp shot him and took the purse.

it made the ny papers. davey was really ray davies, old english rocker, the kinks....
we used to drink champagen andgrappa. he had the hots for my ex. i was happy to hang outwith a real celbrity. i even bou8ght a few old kinks 60's records, learnd a few tuens: victoria, death of a clown

thsi could on

luckily i moved backto new york before hurrican katrina struck

by this time. magic wanda was over ne worleans. sandy had slept with davey, sandy had o\died (overdose? suicide?). wanda hated new orleans anyways......i came back too because
"when you only have fun, is it still fun"???/

.......

got job a sphinx; came up with plan to steal money and not get caught

premise: 3 co workers steal $ 1 million each: catch is they have to liv ewith it for at elas 1 year....

talk about stress.....this was a contest. like survivor. if you lost ,it owuldn;t be so bad, just along time in jail. at least you wouldn't have to worry about money....

rudyard kipling's "if'

2006-08-11T13:34:00.000-07:00

if

you can keep your head

when all others around you are losing theirs??
______________________

where are my muses?

late night bus rides home

quiet time cooking in the kitchen

walks with georgia
_________________
notes from the month:

imagine if you cut off you rfingertip, threw it away, and then had to go and find it??
___________________

sayings for life:

reduce, reuse , recycle (jack johnson song)

use yourwords

courtesy comes from caution

regifting...

break up...work out....get hot

"HA! HA! laughter like the charlie brown christmas special

keep on "keepin' on"

canyou just stay 'half of a lot and a little longer"
________________________

punished by thrift
so crazy in that old new england way of "thrift"
i will blow my nose with the same piece of toilt paper, and then wipe my ass with it....2 uses....thrifty..
________________
i could read the horoscope each day, and become afraid to leave the house
"beware of your limitations"
_________________

i wake up each morning, go to bed each night.
i look at my shit in the toilet. the quality, texture. curious and disgusted.
what have been eating?why is it always different?
am i feeling well...
_________________
"hey honey bun
buddy hon
honey bun

buddy hun
________----

our old ancestors, elders
will end life pushed in wheelchairs by home attending aides. the jewsih son of zion will get taken to a local east side cafe, unable to speakin protest, incomprehensible in his wheelchair.
the attendant will order a bacon cheeseburger to go.

the lod man can only look at the barking dog, contemptuous of his fat aide, yet he cannot speak nor walk.]

the hare krishna's recognize the cycle of life, death, age....they celebrate it with an image of baby to boy to man to old man to death....

your stint as an old manwill take up over half of your life.

so this old man, who cannot speak
people are fighing over his money.
governmentmoney to pay where he lives and dies, who cares for him, who gets the money for his extensive medical bills.

he may be a drain on society, but that money supports a lot people, and the rabbi's just have to wait until he dies to get their money.

_______________
when you only have money and not much else in a marraige, somehow the money is never enough.

_____________________________
______________________

iwas talking with as friend. it would be cool to own an art gallery, where you only had to show grea tart. the bills got paid......

but then: you'd still have to reject a lot of people to do it right,
and wouldn't there be pressure to sellthings, as well??
_____________

rudyard kipling's "if'

if you can keep your head when all about you
are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
but make allowance for their doubting too;
if you can wait and be tired by waiting,
or being lied about, don't deal in lies;
or being hated, don't give way to hating,
and yet don't look too good,nor talk too wise.

if you can dream, - and not make dreams your master;
if you can think-and not make thoughts your aim;
if you can meet with triumph and disaster
and treat those two imposters just the same;
if you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools;
or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
and stoop and build em with worn out tools;

if you can make one heap of all your winnings
and risk it on one game of pitch and toss,
and lose, and start at your beginnings
and never breathe a word about your loss;
if you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
to seve your turn long after they are gone,
and so hold on when there is nothing in you
except the will which says to them "hold on";

if you can talk with crowds and keep you rvirtue,
or walk with kings- nor lose the common touch;
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
if all men count with you, but none too much;

if you can fill the unforgiving minute
with sixty seconds worth of distance run-
yours is the earth and everything that's in it,
and - which is more- you'll be a man, my son!!!

______________

malady:how food gets to you

2006-07-25T13:27:00.001-07:00

narrator:in the 60's and 70's: new england summer; we'd make a night of it. drive a few towns over to a local fry shack. feast on fried clams, onion rings, my favorite - curly fries!

spanky: we'd make a night of it.
order at the takeout window, sit at a picnic table.

mason; it's called "eating in the comforts of nature."
delia: the other day, i rode my bike through union square park. a young boy , layers of baggy t shirts and drooping pants, was leaning against a small, white car.

green uniformed parks police were around him. 3 men, over 30....he was handcuffed.

he could have been 10...then again he could have been 12, 14, even 16.

that was his strong point, he could pass for a kid to do a young man's job

ALL TOGETHER: HE COULD HAVE BEEN 10.....12....14....16

Mason: what had he done?

delia; a small crowd had gathered around him. were they the victims, his teammembers...curious onlookers???

spanky; we love a spectacle...looking at others misfortunes, misadventures. we love a fight.
the other day a TRUCK HIT a taxi ON SECOND AVENUE. the men spilled into the street, their vehicles blocking traffic midlane....harsh loud words, a swing.....
BRAVADO
BRAGGADOCCIO
like a great italian opera.

there must be SCREAMING
WHEELS SKIDDING
LOTS OF SHOUTING

delia; but this boy just stood there. the park police gingerly tried to search his pockets, look through the layers of his urban clothing. it was difficult and awkward for them. their man size hands were too big to fit into his boy size ....

EVERYBODY TOGETHER:
his droopee loosee pants

what had he done? where did he go wrong , that he was here??
___________________________

narraor: now i'm listening to a sunday morning sermon, of all things,

mason; i'm gin-gritch good year, my friends call me woody.
if something bad happens, don't say "WHY"?
say "WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE"/!!!!!!?????
that's the sermon for today, now mama's gonna say her line:

mama: now it's time to pass the collection basket. don't be afraid to be generous. it's 4th of july weekend, and gingritch wants to buy a new car.
________________________________

narrator:
what did you do at age 8?....12?....16???
chances are you're not that different now.

delia;
young boy arrested by park police. i don't need to know anymore. i wanted to stare there, too, gawking at the spectacle.
what did he do? where did he go wrong?

spanky: his name could be, now, let's see here.....malady.....
yes the boy's name is malady.

delia; that poor boy, malady.

he was handcuffed

he's a scrawny, funny looking white boy. the cops were black.

EVERYBODY: OUTRAGE, CURIOUSITY, SPECTACLE, ENTERTAINMENT

mason: WOW, WHAT HAPPENED??!! i saw handcuffs on the boy, the small crowd seemed to know,..... they had an urban sensibility.

SPANKY: COOL. SO you saw him too/

mason; yeah i did. that's why we came to new york, isn't it???

delia; they just couldn't get their man hands into his boy sized pockets. it was becoming kind of a problem. i mean, they had to search him before they put him in their car.

mason; what had he done?
SET THE GRASS ON FIRE???

delia; i don't know. one time in a park, a crazy man was smoking pot in front of the kids...i called 311....the parks people told me 'it wasn't their job..." i should call the nypd..the police"

spanky: what did malady do? in the old days, a kid like malady would have lived in the bronx. spend his summer days sneaking into yankee stadium. sqeeze under a fence near the hot dog vendor, stand, running, now lost in the throng of pinstriped fans.

and the cops would let a few local kids do this....anyways, it's good for baseball, a good way to build life long fans....customers...of the baseball team.

mason: no, but it's really wierd. i didn't think parks police could arrest kids. besides, what could he have done?
even walmart is no longer prosecuting shoplifters who steal idems worth less than $25. i read it in the WALL STREET JOURNAL,

delia: no. mason, it was the post.

mason: ok, whatever....
______________
mason: now it's getting really wierd. i'm channelling the voice of that preacher agian,
mr. gin gritch good year.
"you can't win when it comes to food. the new york times reporter winced at paying for locally caught fish, even at the union square farmers market.
i think people really don;t want to know where their food comes from. or how it gets to them.
it's like fiji water.
it's so pure, from ancient aquifers......in the pacific islands!!!!
how do we know it's so pure.....
we could stand here all day and discuss the merits of organic and/or locally grown vegetables,
line caught fish, hand fed piglets, breast fed..

spanky: ALL RIGHT!!

delia; how come most kids are running: eating corn syrup ,corn fed....

mason: yeah like malady. so the corn syrup makes him crazy. it makes me crazy, that's why i drink all these boutique beers.made of water, grain, and booze.

i drink a beer.

now i'm starting to remember, to remember what i did when i was malady's age??

spanky; how old is he, anyways?

mason; it doesn't matter

anyways , when i was younger

if i were in a store, for boys clothing,
or boys model soldiers,
i would stare at something, not talk to anyone, with the hope and belief that someone would walk up to me and give me what i wanted , for free.

no one ever did.

now i've learned to ask.

they just say no.

this mute, staring boy.

stare , and pray long enough, and you will get what you want.

spanky: i was brought up that way, too. malady probably was,... too.....
a nice catholic boy.

mason: just stare
and pray
and you'll get what you want.

it still holds me back to this day.
______________________

narrator:
while we narrate the arrest of malady, we should project a short video of a little boy getting arrested.
maybe he's 4 years old, dressed like a skateboarder for emphasis.

delia; or we could read the lesbian scene?

spanky: should we translate?

delia: molto bene /
amiche lesbiche di brooklyn /
caio bella

mason: very well. our lesbian friends from brooklyn will be with us tonight. good bye ,love.
can i see the lesbiche di brooklyn's tit-o's???

delia;
non lo so/
non lo so/
ma
fase si!

mason: no way, no way will they say yes

spanky; italian is sexy,
no need to translate

mason: i will imagine....

delia;
va bene /
questo e il migliore

modo in cui /
fare cose a presto un bacio
ehhhh????

mason; let's make this a dance. i will read the lines, you dance
ok??

delia;
yikes, iwas joking.

mi dispiace /
las prossima volta forse.

spanky: so it really didn't get off the ground....
_________________________

delia: there was a young traveler from mexico. he found a guitar, learned to play one song. he tries to earn food money, or something.

spanky: this mexican guy, he came onto the subway car. i know he could only play one song because i used to do that , too, when i was younger and traveling, hungry.
i was new to a city, i
think it was munich,out of money.
i bought a guitar.

mason; how did you buy it? with out money??

spanky:
ok...yeAH......
so i learned one song, "universal soldier" i think...

delia: the mexican played his one song. not really a singer's voice, but he tried. he plucked a few strings. he wasn't bad at all...just not a practiced musician...
i knew..that he knew...only one song..... because after that one song he waited.
when the car pulled
up to its stop, he moved to the next car,,,as i walked away i saw him start the same routine, the same song, over again.

mason: BEAUTIFUL.
DELIA: REAL LIFE
SPANKY: PROUD, YET STUPID, TO BE WORKING FOR HIMSELF.

mason; i'm sure you'd all like to hear more of this story, and others, like my story of how i've been working 20 hours a week at a starbucks ...or a whole foods....so my family can get health insurance.
but that's not my story...but it's one reason i live here in new york city

spanky: and what about malady/ the boy??

delai: well, i called 311 to find out more about what had happened /

311 said to look it up online, at nyc.gov......

malady:how food gets to you

2006-07-25T13:27:00.000-07:00

narrator:in the 60's and 70's: new england summer; we'd make a night of it. drive a few towns over to a local fry shack. feast on fried clams, onion rings, my favorite - curly fries!

spanky: we'd make a night of it.
order at the takeout window, sit at a picnic table.

mason; it's called "eating in the comforts of nature."
delia: the other day, i rode my bike through union square park. a young boy , layers of baggy t shirts and drooping pants, was leaning against a small, white car.

green uniformed parks police were aorund him. 3 men, over 30....he was handcuffed.

he could have been 10...then again he could have been 12, 14, even 16.

that was his strong point, he could pass for a kid to do a young man's job

ALL TOGETHER: HE COULD HAVE BEEN 10.....12....14....16

Mason: what had he done?

delia; a small crowd had gathered around him. were the victims, his teammembers...curious onlookers???

spanky; we love a spectacle...looking at others misfortunes, misadventures. we love a fight.
the other day a TRUCK HIT a taxi ON SECOND AVENUE. the men spilled into the street, their vehicles blocking traffic midlane....harsh loud words, a swing.....
BRAVADO
BRAGGADOCCIO
like a grea italian opera.

there must be SCREAMING
WHEELS SKIDDING
LOTS OF SHOUTING

delia; but this boy just stood there. the park police gingerly tried to search his pockets, look through the layers of his urban clothing. it was difficult and awkward for them. their man size hands were too big to fit into his boy size ....

EVERYBODY TOGETHER:
his droopee loosee pants

what had he done? where did he go wrong , that he was here??
___________________________

narraor: now i'm listening to a sunday morning sermon, of all things,

mason; i'm gin-gritch good year, my friends call me woody.
if something bad happens, don't say "WHY"?
say "WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE"/!!!!!!?????
that's the sermon for today, now mama's gonna say her line:

mama: now it's time to pass the collection basket. don't be afraid to be generous. it's 4th of july weekend, and gingritch wants to buy a new car.
________________________________

narrator:
what did you do at age 8?....12?....16???
chances are you're not that different now.

delia;
young boy arrested by park police. i don't need to know anymore. i wanted to stare there, too, gawking at the spectacle.
what did he do? where did he go wrong?

spanky: his name could be, now, let's see here.....malady
yes the boy's name is malady.

delia; that poor boy, malady. he was handcuffed

he's a scrawny, funny looking white boy. the cops were black.

EVERYBODY: OUTRAGE, CURIOUSITY, SPECTACLEM ENTERTAINMENT

mason: WOW, WHAT HAPPENED??!! i saw handcuffs on the boy, the small crowd seemd to know, they also had an urban sensibility.

SPANKY: COOL. SO you saw him too/
mason; yeah i did. that's why we came to new york, isn't it???

delia; they just couldn't get their man hands into his boy sized pockets. it was becoming kind of problem. imean, they had top search him before they put him in thier car.

mason; what had he done? SET THE GRASS ON FIRE???

delia; i don't know. one time in a park, a crazy man was smoking pot in front of the kids...i called 311....the parks people told me 'it wasn't their job..." i should call the nypd..the police"

spanky: what did malady do? in the old days, a kid like malady would have lived in the bronx. spend his summer days sneaking into yankee stadium. sqeeze under a fence near the hot dog vendor, stand, running, now lost in the throng of pinstriped fans.

and the cops would let a few local kids do this....anyways, it's good for baseball, a good way to build life long fans....customers...of the baseball team.

mason: no, but it's really wierd. i didn't think parks police could arrest kids. besides, what could he have done?
even walmart is no longer prosecuting shoplifters who steal idems worth less than $25. i read it in the WALL STREET JOURNAL,

delia: no. mason, it was the post.

mason: ok, whatever....
______________
mason: now it's getting really wierd. i'm channelling the voice of that preacher agian, mr. gin gritch good year.
"you can't win when it comes to food. the new york times reporter winced at paying for locally caught fish, even at the union square farmers market.
i think people really don;t want to know where their food comes from. or how it gets to them.
it's like fiji water.
it's so pure, from ancient aquifers......in the pacific islands!!!!
how do we know it's so pure.....
we could stand here all day and discuss the merits of organic and/or locally grown vegetables,
line caught fish, hand fed piglets, breast fed..

spanky: ALL RIGHT!!

delia; how come most kids are running eating corn syrup ,corn fed....

mason: yeah like malady. so the corn syrup makes him crazy. it makes me crazy, that's why i drink all these boutique beers.made of water, grain, and booze.

now i'm starting to remember, to remember what i did when i was malady's age??

spanky; how old is he, anyways?

mason; it doesn't matter

anyways

if i were in a store, for boys clothing, or boys model soldiers, i would stare at something, not talk to anyone, with the hope and belief that someone would walk up to me and give me what i wanted , for free.

no one ever did.

now i've learned to ask.

they just say no.

this mute, staring boy.

stare , and pray long enough, and you will get what you want.

spanky: i was brought up that way, too. malady probably was, too.....
a nice catholic boy.

mason: just stare and pray and you'll get what you want.

it still hold sme back to this day.
______________________

narrator:
while we narrate the arrest of malady, we should project a short video of a little boy getting arrested.
maybe he's 4 years old, dressed like a skateboarder for emphasis.

delia; or we could read the lesbian scene?
spanky: should we translate?

delia: molto bene
amiche lesbiche di brooklyn
caio bella

mason: very well. our lesbian friends from brooklyn will be with us tonight. good bye love.
can i see the lesbiche di brooklyn's tit-o's???

delia;
non lo so
non lo so
ma
fase si!

mason: no way, no way will they say yes

spanky; italian is sexy,
no need to translate

mason: i will imagine....

delia;
va bene
questo e il migliore

modo in cui
fare cose a presto un bacio
ehhhh????

mason; let's make this a dance. i will read the lines, you dance
ok??

delia;
yikes, iwas joking.

mi dispiace
las prossima volta forse.

spanky: so it really didn't get off the ground....
_________________________

delia: there was a young traveler from mexico. he found a guitar, learned to play one song. he tries to earn food money, or somehting.
spanky: this mexican guy, he came onto the subway car. i know he could only play one song because i used to do that , too, when i was younger and traveling, hungry.
i was new to a city, ithink it was munich,out of money.
i bought a guitar.

mason; how did you buy it? with out money??

spanky:
ok...yeAH......
so i learned one song, "universal soldier" i think...

delia: the mexican played his one song. not really a singer's voice, but he tried. he plucked a few strings. he wasn't bad at all...just not a practiced musician...
i knew..that he knew...only one song because after that one song he waited. when the car pulledup to its stop, he moved to the next car,,,as i walked away i saw him start the same routine, the same song, over again.

mason: BEAUTIFUL.
DELIA: REAL LIFE
SPANKY: PROUD, YET STUPID TO BE WORKING FOR HIMSELF.

mason; i'm sure you'd all like to hear more of this story, and others, like my sotry of how i've been working 20 hours a week at a starbucks ...or a whole foods....so my family can get health insurance.
but that's not my story...but it's one reason i live here in new york city

spanky: and what about malady/ the boy??

delai: well, i called 311 to find out more about what had donee

they said it wasn't their

malady:how food gets to you notes

2006-07-13T09:34:00.000-07:00

in the 60's and 70's: new england summer: we'd make a night of it. drive a few towns over to a local fry shack. feast on fried clams, onion rings, my favorite curly fries...we'd make a night of it.

order at the take out window, sit at a picnnic table. eating in the comforts of nature.

the other day i rode my bike through union square park. a young boy, uban clothes: layers of baggy t shirts and drooping pants. he was leaning against an official looking small, white car. green uniformed parks police were around him. 3 men, all over 30. he was handcuffed. he could have been 10 , he was small and scRAWNY, THEN AGAIN HE COULD HAVE BEEN 12 -14 EVEN 16.....THAT was his strong point, maybe that he could pass for a kid but do a young mans job.

what had he done?

a small crowd had gathered around him. were they the victims, or his teammembers? or just curious onlookers.?

we love a spectacle ,...looking on at others misfortunes, misadventures. we love a fight. th eother daY A TRUCK HI A TAXI ON SECOND AVENUE. THE MEN SPILLED OUT onto the street, ther vehicles blocking traffic midlane, harsh loud words a swing bravado bragga doccio like a great itlaian opera. ther emust be screaming, wheels skidding, lots of loud noise...

but this boy just stood there

the park \police gingerly trie dot search his pockets, look through his layrs of clothing
it was difficult and awkard for them, their hands were too big to fit into the boy sized openings

his drooping loose-ee pants

what had he done/ where did we go wrong that he was here??

________

i'l gingritch goo dyear, my friends call me woody. if something bad happens, dont's say "why"?
say where do we go from here!!??
that's the sermon for today,now mam's gonna say her line

mama:now it's time to pass the collection basket.don't be afraid to be generous. it's 4th of july weekend and i want to buy a new car.__
__________

what did you like to do at age 8? 12? 16?
chances are you're not that different now

YOUNG BOY arrested by park police. i don't need to know anymore. i wanted to stare there, gawking at the spectacle.
what did he do? where did we go wrong?
boy's name , couldbe....."MALADY".
)(on projectionscreen , 2 lesbians)

that poor boy, malady.
he was handcuffed, the park police were searching through th epockets of his droopee loose-ee pants

urban casualty
how old is he?
what did you like to do at age 8? 12? 16?

malady is a scrawny, funny looking boy
he was leaning up against a white car, with 3 green cops around him.

outrage
curiousity
spectacle
entertainment
wow!what had happened?
i saw handcuffs on the boy
the small crowd seemed to know, they also had an urban sensibility
were they his friends? his handlers?
his betrayers?

MALADY!!!!!!!!

his pockets were so deep, he had on 2 or 3 layers of clothing,
had he stolen clothing?
the parks police were being carefulas they searched his pockets, through several layers of baggy t shirts
careful not to humiliate him
they just oculdn't get their man hands into that boy's boy sized pockets

____________
what had he done , to get arrested by the parks police??

SET THE GRASS ON FIRE??

_______________

you cant' win when it comes to food. the ny times criticized the long island fishmonger. if he winced at paying for locally caught fish tha thad been trawled, how could he ever ante up the cash for line caught fish?? people really don't want to know where their food comes from, or how it gets to them. like fiji water- so pure, ancient aquifiers...we could discuss the merits of local, organic , line caught, hand fed , breast fed....

but most kids are running around eating corn syrup, corn fed

-----_____________

when iwas a young, malady age

if i were in a store, boys clothing, or boys model soldeir shop, i would stare at soemthng, not talk to anyone, with th ehope aND BELIEF THat someone would walk up to me and give me what i wnated for free

no one ever did

now i'v elearned to ask

they jus tsay no

this mute, staring boy

stare and pray hard enough and you will get what you want

i was brought up that way, you know. malady probably was too. a nice catholic boy
just stare and pray and you'll get what you want

it still holds me back to this day
________________
film: while wenarrate the arrest of malady, we shoudl project a short video of a little kid getting arrested
maybe a 4 yea rold oboy dressed like a teeneager for emphasis

_____
now the itlalain lesbian scene

should we translate?

molto bene
amiche lesbiche di brooklyn
caio bello

very well. our lesbain friends froim brooklyn will be with us tongiht. good bye love.

can i see the lesbiche di brooklyn's tito's??
non lo so
non lo so
ma
farse si!

no way
noway, will they say yes

italian is sexy
no need to translate
i will imagine

va bene
questo e il migliore
modo in cui
fare cose a presto un bacio

????

let's make this into a dance. i will read the lines, you dance

yikes, i was joking. mi dispiace
la prossima volta forse.

________________________

young traveler from mexico.
he found a guitar, learned to play one song. tries to earn food money ro soemthing. this mexican guy, he came onto the subeay car. i know he copuld only play one song becasue i sued to do that too when i was younger and travelkng, hungry
i was new to a city ourt of money in munich i bought a guitar..how did i buy it??
i lkearnd 1 song
"a"universal soldier"
the mexican played his one song, not really a singers voice but he tried. he plcuked a few strings. he wasn;t bad at all jus tnopt a practiced musican. after the one song he waited, he car pulle dup tpo a stop, he moved tpo the next car and as the i walked away i saw him start over the same routine the same soong

beautiful
real life
proud yet stupid tobe working for himself

________________
appropriate subjects for dinner conversation

how many miles hve you logged this week (running)
discussion about the poresident
fvorite movies/recent movies you'v eseen

not appropriate
family questions 9maybe someone died and you didn';t know)
favorite books (most peple dont read books or if they do you will argue about it)
matters of finace ( most people are terrified that people will know their true fiances)
anything that might requirea group decision (like what kind of wine to buy)

I'm sure you'd all like to hear my stroy, of how i've been wokring at starbucks, 20 hours a week, so my family can get ehalth insurance. but that's not my story. it's one reason i liv ein nyc......

coney island romance

2006-05-31T13:46:00.000-07:00

Intro:
narrator:
my life is a coney island side show. last weekend, this stage-
yes, this stage right here -
taps stage floor with shoe -
hosted a lesbo sex show for a batchelor party.lots of condoms and dildo's.
the other night, there was a burlesque show.....8 dancers this time

sean:
before my wedding , instead of a batchelorette party, i want an orgy.
I want to invite everyone i've ever wanted to sleep with.
anne: well, i wish you would invite bobby. he is so fragile about relationships. he needs to be led into an orgy by a close friend, blindfolded, then left to enjoy himself and have some fun, without thinking about who he's been with. at the end of it, his friend will safely lead him out.

narrator:
ann is very outgoing. i told her i write monthly short plays. she wants a part in one. would she make out with bobby, if i cast them together?
would bobby make out with her, if i cast them together??
____________________________

bobby:
bobby is taking the kids to coney island. it's quite a journey by subway. over the east river, overland across brooklyn.

coney island has that last stop, this is the last stop on the subway, feel.

after a day of nathan's hot dogs, playing with the kids on the beach, ice cream, kiddie rides, we settled down to a cold beer -
very cold brooklyn lager, on ice -
at ruby's coney island bar and grill.
the kids had lollipops and ran around. we listened to the old time doo wop songs on the juke box. of course we would never leave. or i would never leave.

sean: if you have one more beer, you'll never leave, and you'll end up like her.

narrator:
rita walked over to our group. she had already gotten friendly with one of the mom's.
we groaned. she walked away. then walked over again, this time , she talked to bobby.

rita: you're gorgeous. .....i know.... i know you....
you're on the soprano's....aren't you?
that's it??/

bobby: goin with it.
dance for us, rita.
rita: oh, i can dance.....but with my clothes off.

bobby: a few more beers i could end up in a romance with rita.
i thought i could.....should.....would just slip away for a little while.
but i learned that in new york, if you miss a day, it's ok, but if you miss a week, people learn real fast how to work with your replacement.
so go away, vanish, nobody will look for you, unless:
you die a sensational death.
child hit by a car.
spaulding gray, jumps off the ferry, his body washes up 4 weeks later.
can't just fade away. or you will be forgotten.

narrator:
bobby walked to the bathroom. still at ruby's bar and grill.

he thought rita would follow him. he knew, he could smell it, she needed money. he had a few dollars left.
bobby:
if i spend all my money, i will never leave.

rita: do you think i'm pretty?

bobby:
are you the kind of girl who only wants to make out in public?
rita; i'm very special. i would never say that i'm a modest molly.

they dance together. dance moves: they sing: should we? could we? would we??

bobby: making lunch. can i eat the cucumber skin?
rita; it depends on where it has been.
bobby
: if i spend all my money, if i have one more
beer, i will end up like you,
] i will never leave.
how could i ever get out of here?

i washed my feet, coming off the beach, at the women's area...
the older, female worker called me on this:
into my face, rough, survivor:
worker:this is for the children. the adults are on the other side.
mason: these are my children.
worker: still in your face. i have children too. that's why i'm here, to protect them.
mason: i listen, without backing down.

Narrator:
as we walked off the beach: another summer of youth, some black teenagers, playful. the boy tugged her bikini bottom down. she knew the drill: drop fast into the water, pull it back up. both girl and boy, make a lot of noise.

on the sand, older spanish teens, the boys singing along, serenading the girls, bonding with each other, fun playful summer latin music.

bobby:
i like it here. this coney island/

i grew up on beaches like this. in fact, my father brought my mother to a similar salty old sailor's bar on their first date. to test her? no, just to have fun. i think she had fun too, or maybe she was just polite.
whatever he was, before she would marry him, my mother made him sell his store and get a company job, a phone company job. circa 1960.,

my father would have liked this coney island bar.
earlier at nathan's, the bum had said"save me some of your food' i did that. we left [parts of 2 hot dogs on top of the garbage, i motioned to the old man: there's some hot dogs for you.
__________________

girl:coney island stories:
the other day i realized how different life would be if i were 1 foot taller.
i stepped on a box, stood apart and above my social goup. survey the surroundings. good bye kisses, salutations, and the like. it was all more relaxed and detached from "up there". next time you're in a pinch, step on a box, look around, and smile.
__________________
rita:
ok ok maybe i can fall in love??
study today in the post: if you date 9 people, you will find a mate.

statistical sample.

date more, you risk wasting too much time, missing out on the right person. don't sleep with them until you love them; otherwise the act will make you feel in love and you'll waste time with the wrong person. also, don't take the pill until you are already in love, otherwise you will be attracted to the opposite of what you really need.

wow!!smell. smell. smell. that's what it comes down to.

______________
anne:
i must be the only person i know who likes waiting for the bus at night. i like the bus ride, around midnight. unwind, visual panorama of city streets, just fall asleep, and then suddenly it's my stop.
_____________

HOST:
WELCOME TO THE SIDESHOW!!!

here we have a wall of nicknames.

call out a name.
skippy, sergei, willy, tiger, boobye.
boobye???
pet person pet person
no, both??

_____________

more romance;
girl:when you're a girl, you think differently

girl:how many times have you dated?
oh about 7 or 8. when you're a girl you think differently, after a number of dates, you start to think about it....do i call him my boyfriend?
when you're a girl, you ask questions like that.

guy:
what makes a woman hot?
what kind of underwear do you waer?
i have to know.

narrator:
guy dancing in whole foods. vegetable department. imagine him walking up to a woman, and pattting her pussy with a bunch of asparagus. or celery. or a yellow squash.????
yes it's spring.
would that turn her on?

narrator:
that girl. she had been to bellevue. flirt with her. she'll be ok. just don't leave her alone. she's just one of those girls. just don't leave her alone. just don't leave her alone.

bobby:
what does she want?
girl:
she grabs a bunch of asparagus......i want it like this!!!!! thrusting the asparagus at her pussy.
bobby:
i must be passed out, dreaming.
still at the coney island ruby's bar and grill.
where is rita?

________

rita works at the restaurant. she calls the sausages "hoooo haaaaas"
rita: we need some hooo-haaas.
bobby:
yes we need some whoo-aaares ...he pronounces it like whores.
now rita comes over;
rita: now bobby
, i will say it properly. hooo haaaas. i want an order.

anne:romace title: half empty,half full.
anatomy of a romance scene:
she's humping.

lots of tongue ing.

running.

girl: no rubbing!
anne: she says: are you really going to write a scene for me and bobby??
with tongue ing, and rubbing, and lots of humping.
author: yeah, humping......we haven't had any humping

girl:
i veto humping!!!
_____________________

narrator:

on the bus:
i see these funny looking men on the bus. 1900 hats and such. black, black hats. i wish i were more naive. wish i didn't have to know who they were, so i could go up to them, like a child, and say: are you a satmar? or a hasidim?

would that be ok, because i really don't know.

one comic recently:
if these people are following the word of god and haven't changed in 5 or 6,000 years: the question is: why are they dressed like it's 1900???
____________________

girl:

wake up bobby!

wake up bobby!!!
it's time to go.

bobby:

onstage scare tactic:
as i'm talking with the girls, i pick up a water bottles, squirt it at the girls.

SURPRISE!!!

anne; now bobby starts to dance with me. we kiss.

oh no!!!!! bobby slips , falls, hits his head, and passes out.

SOMEONE CALL 9 - 1---- 1 !!!!

BOBBY:
he dreams: he is cooking with julia child. he is holding a bunch of asparagus.
he drops the asparagus.
julia child says: remember the 2 second rule: if it drops on the floor, it's ok to pick it up and cook with it if it's been there for 2 seconds or less.

girls: that boy is so fragile. he needs to be lead into an orgy by a close friend, blindfolded. let him have some fun, still holding his friend's hand.

bobby: julia child, will you be my special friend???

_______________________________

narrator:
this is all a side show. all these things have happened.
anne: let's cook some hooo - haaaas!!!!

THE END

50/50 school for crime skit

2006-05-23T11:58:00.000-07:00

NARRATOR:
late nights, we visit the LAST STOP bar.
we were child prodigies
child entertainers.

we are all the same. we learned to live too quick. now we can't go back.
we spend most nights at the last stop.
but what DOOO WEEEE DOOOO?
____________________
narr: chatter at bar.

dupree: it's a coin flip......fifty...fifty.
that poor horse, barbaro.
spanky: in another time, if her were another horse, he would have been
PUT DOWN
YOUTH A NIZED
right there, att he track!
dupree: but he's still worth a lot of money, as a breeder, a stallion.

the horse was bred.....born.....to run. what can he do, now that he can't run??/
just sniff around, and breed.
he's a child prodigy, just like us!!!

spanky; yup...just sitting around the bar....sniffing.......
we all had legs at one time, legs to run with.

delia: when i was 8....my art was displayed in the state house, i met the governor.
dupree:at 17, i was sent to washington dc....i shook the president's hand. the local paper swore that i, too, would be president one day.
spanky; i was a child actor. by age 12 i had won a tony award for my role in a broadway play.

delia; for some of us, they just should have flipped a coin.
when i got screwed up....fifty/fifty....should i live/???? or die????

dupree: those bastards!!!!
that's why we're here..... and now, we'll outlive 'em all.
spanky:
that poor horse. i saw the race, saturday, the preakness.
i had $20 on barbaro to win, place or show.
delia; where did you bet?
spanky: i would never go down there, by myself. i had my boyfriend go there, to the
O T B
3 of us placed bets.
i would never go down there to the O T B ...but my boyfriend, he's done it before.
___________________________

narrator:
is there a university of the streets? a school of crime???
dupree: she enters a magazine store.
peruses several racks.
don't take too long.
drop 3 magazines into your purse, maybe buy some gum.
leave quickly , without alarm.

delia:in the gourmet market, buy one item. always buy something.pocket the exoensive sliced prosciutto, or a nice cheese. pay for the loaf of bread. a big, long baguette.

spanky; vasil, my boyfriend. was from ukraine./the new ukraine, that wild west state of post gorbachev russia
...he taught me alot.
when he first arrived, he was hired as a building super. his new boss took him ot home depot to buy some tools.
at the car, after shopping, vasil proudly showed off his wares: over $1,000 of tools lined his jacket and pokcets

delia;this is the biggest scam of all. we sit here all night long. some of us write it off as a loss. to deduct from our residual income as actors. we are actually working here. i have to watch a lot of tv, to keep track of how many times commercials are run.....
dupree: delia, we don't have TO DO anything. we all draw a few dollars each a week

spanky;
hey you know what?
chinatown is now what you think....there are no takelout menu's
in chinatown.
the gamble all day. they use knives.
that is the real school of crime.
____________________-
dupree: i know a petty crime.
spanky says she'll never date a guy who's a vegetarian. unless he'll go into whole foods, take a tray of brown rice sushi from the counter, and eat it without paying, while he pretends to shop for groceries. you can eat a whole lunch, just walking around that store....

delia: should he be ashamed?not if his grandfather didn't found the klondike bar, or anyother great american food processing company....
dupree: you don't call them rich people here......
delia; what do you call them?
dupree: you call them WORTHY

the perfect negroni?

2006-05-08T11:41:00.000-07:00

the perfect negroni?
one of the simplest drinks to make is a negroni. or any drink with such an assertive liquor as campari.

don't write this down, either. most of you kids can do this from memory. or lack of memory once you drink you share of these classic mind blotters.

here we go:
in a small cocktail shaker, fill with ice,
add 1/3 good gin
1/3 sweet vermouth
1/3 campari
stir and strain into a chilled martini glass.
it is a good aperitif, as well as a digestif. how could that be?
well, it would do you
well to eat soon
after your first, and
well
follow your food with a third.

you know,it's one of those cocktails.
mischievious. delicious. especially once you get the hang of it.
and most of all,
it's easy to
make a perfect negroni.

________________
negroni is one of the first ( and few) cocktails i ever learned to mix as a bar owner/part time bartender.
a few folk still ask for it.
i won't argue with their palates; i do mix a memorable negroni.
if you're fond of campari, write me.

fitness book ideas

2006-05-05T13:28:00.000-07:00

fitness book ideas

1. case studies by jill, the trainer
2. anecdotes, from clinets, jill (eating disorders, bodybuiling experience, general like curt schilling and roger clemens, bob the trainers 'if you want asix pack give up the six pack"
3. intersting exercises (with balls....catch, situps, large ball for stretching...
4. recipes.......

school for crime

2006-05-03T11:31:00.000-07:00

late nights we visit the "last stop".....
child prodigies, child entertainers
we are all the same. we learned to live too quick. now we can't go back.
we spend most nights at the last stop.
but what do we dooo all day??
___________________________________
(chatter at bar)
it's a coin flip.....50/50...
that poor horse, barbaro.
in another time, if he were another horse, he would have been "put down"
"euthanized"
att he track.
but he' still worth a lot of mony, as a breeder....a stallion.

the horse was bred, and born, to run???
what can he do, now that he can't?

he's like a child prodigy....look at us.
sitting around this bar. we all had legs at one time, legs to run with.

(when i was 8, etc)

for some of us, they should have just flipped a coin.
when i was screwed up............to live ,,,or to die??
fifty - fifty

thoses bastards....that's why we'r here.
and now we'lll outlive 'emall.

that poor horse, i saw the race saturday, the preakness.
i had $20 on barbaro to win, place or show.
where did you bet?
i would never go down there, by myself. i had john go there,OYB.
3 of us placed bets. i would never go down there to theOTB....but john, he's done it before.
__________________________________________

when i was 8, my art was displayed in the state house, i met the governor. at 17, i was sent to washington, dc, and shook the president's hand. the local paper swore that i, too, would be president one day.

toby was a child actor. by age 12 had won an tony award for a broadway play.

now what do we do all day?

_______

black guys - why have almost 1/2 of all black men been in prison?
is that their university? in chinatown, the men use knives.
that is where they have "the school of crime."
__________________

he enters the store. he holds his jacket, folded over his left arm. he slips a designer purse (louis vuitton/ le sport sac?) under the jacket, casually walks out.

in the magazine store: walk in with a bag. peruse several racks. don't take too long. drop 3 magazines into your bag, buy only one . leave quickly but without alarm.

in the gourmet market, buy one item. always buy something. pocket the expensive sliced prosciutto, or a nice cheese.

vasil was from ukraine. the new ukraine, that cowboy wild west state of post gorbachev russia.
when he arrived, he was hired as a building super. his boss took him to home depot to buy some tools. at the car, after shopping, vasil proudly showed off his wares: over $300 of tools lined his jacket, drills etc

___________________

this bar is the biggest scam of all. we sit here all night. some of us write it off as a loss, to deduct from our residual income as actors. the crime is that it is legal.
we also have a big money partner who runs some of his cash money through here as well. we don't have to do anything, we all draw a few dollars each week.

_______________
chinatown is not what you'd think.
there are no takeout/delivery chinese menu's.

________________
child in chinatown:
she walks with her daddy. discovers a coffee shop. they share and enjoy chinese savories: hot dogs in buns, sweet roast pork buns.

we play on the market street playground.
the people of chinatown are very friendly with children. my daughter had just eaten oreo cookies, her mouth was dirty with chocolate. a woman stopped us, said your mouth is dirty, i will wipe it. we followed her into her store front office, she gave us paper napkins.

_________________-

she says:
i'll never date a guy who 's a vegetarian.

other petty crimes?

everytime i go to whole foods, i first take a tray of sushi, brown rice with broiled eel and avocado in a take out tray. i eat it as i shop with my cart.

the biggest fear:
guy is out on date, or just flirting with the waitress.
it's time to pay: the waitress hands him the card "DECLINED".
___________________________
what the hell do we do all day/ we sit around.
the other night the bouncer got fired. poor julio. everynight he'd have more than a few drinks. the bartenders would give him drinks for his friends. he'd be sloshed. this girl was wasted, she got up on the bar, slipped and cut her head.
nobody ever cared if he was drunk, but after that night, julio didn't work there anymore.
________________________
have someone recite "the perfect negroni" from my blog.

__________________________
bar chatter:
guy" you don't call them rich people here"
girl"what do you call tehm?"
guy"you call them worthy"
_____________________
should i be ashamed? my grandfather didn;t found klondike bars, or any other great american food processing companies.
but he shure could cook, and forgae for wil d mushrooms, and grow vegetables...
he came over at age 16, worked in the thriving local shoe mills. at one time he held the city record for most shoes assembled by hand in one day.
i guess things like that were important back then.
he also in his life built 2 homes for his family. he built them with his own hands, with the help of friends, on his days off.
_____________________
i must be the only person who likes waiting for the bus at night. i even like the bus ride home, after a long night working in a kitchen.
i like the bus.
on the ride home,i unwind, a visual panorama of the city sights,
just fall asleep and then it;s my stop.
___________________________
bar games:
audience interaction
(write on stage)
WALL OF NICKNAMEs
pet or person

(call out names, put in category)
skippy (pet? person so on...)
willy
sergei
jimmy
tiger
boobye???(pet? person? answer: no, it's both!!)
(both?)
write boobye 2 times under pet and person....
______________________

i knew i was drinking too much. i read a sherlocke holmes story.
holmes deduces from the characters behavior that he has a weakness for drink. his expensive shoes are dull and worn; fine jacket is in need of mending...he blames this carelessness on drinking.

siobhan looks in the mirror, dreaming:
"do you think i'm pretty?"
she is washing mason's feet...he dreams she is over him like an arabic princess, with a saber held high, holding his head by the hair...he looks up and says :"MERCY"
______________
mason:
I read a book about muslims and jews, dutch and germans, americans and latinos- how does anything get done at all? how do people agree to build a building? to make a new law? to build a church?

siobhan: (still looking in the mirror?) all i know is it's too hard to ever find someone to marryme
mason: my hair keeps growing, my face and back,my ass;;;it won't stop
siobhan: well they'll have to call you "HAIRY DUDE"

mason:STRESS COMES FROM INEQUALITY.
be happy you have a nice, comfortable pad.
siobhan: we are god's people.
mason:
don't compare yourself to the people you work for.
siobhan: they are NOT god's people?
mason: (pinches her) here's a PINCH TO GROW AN INCH.

delia: sings children's song, dances
mon chi chi mon chi chi
i love you and you love me

mason: alters his own jeans. they are too long, he steps on them in the back. takes scissors, siobhan cuts them for him.
_____________________

idea for crime:
i ran into this business owner.he had just opened a copy/computer shop. kino's knock off.
"mason: he had that look of a madman. on the verge of failure but working for success. he grabved my hand, tugged at me. he said: "let me show you the new copy center"
(he took my hand as if to shake it, and tugged me towards the corner:"no, he said, let me show my new store"

i had an "AH HA " MOMENT.
he was petty thief.???

ok ok maybe i can fall in love??

___________
bad audition stories:
delia: we crawled around on all fours. imitating wolves. the audition was for a national tour of a well know dance troupe.
olivia: i had to prance around, in a negligey and panties, while the actor,
red faced,
hard on ,
embarassed himself.
____________
boy what is this about yoru manhood?
did your father not love you, not ever grab you as a teen and say:
"look me in the eye!
look me in the eye!
tell me about yourself.

too many young men lostout on this.maybe their fathers left, or worked too much, or died when they were still young men.
they never had the chance to become men with their fathers. because later it flips: your father will be old, childlike again; you will have grown into the role of parent:
LOOK AT ME
LOOK INTO MY EYES, PAPA
TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF

siobhan: then the girls says. ok, it's like this, "let's make atoast" but look into my eyes, or else, you.....know.....what ....(7 years of bad sex)
mason: yeah laughs hahahahah
siobhan: ok yes it's funny but it's my one seriously funny moment
_______________
delai:at the last stop:
talk about staying up all nite long.
what happened when the owner walked in?
sibhan: he groaned.
then he was relieved it was only us.
mason; we are family to him.
siobhan: he's agood person. he might be a financial failure, but he's still a good person.
mason: but he's only that way now because he fucked overso many people for money. sure they were greedy, too, or why else would they given him money in thefirst place?
siobhan: but he still fucked them over.
mason: so he'sa good person because he was bad person.

THAT'S AN AH HA MOMENT!!!

(AT THE LAST STOP)
MASON: when i had a little success, i got a lot of sexual success....getting that satisfaction... i lost my drive to perform. i'mjust writer now.

kids are still wokring on their acts.
delia steps onstage, starts dancing, humming along....da da da da
delia: i was achild prodigy. i'll make a toast with this
cai pi rin ya
this is the second day i'm not drinking!!!!

it is strange but true.
the sudden onset of sexual success made him lose some of his appetite for getting applause form audiences. "i found myself as a writer."

_____________________
child entertainer: let's sing a medley of old commercials: likea good nighbour, state farm is there

junkfood:
let's have some junk food.
why should we even know what kfc means?
or verizon?

well, kfc could stand for:......kinky......french.....chicks
hello, kinky french chicks!!
yes, i'd like some junk food!!

bar game:
cereal without a bowl.
ingredinets:
1 box lucky charms.
1 quart milk. organic??
even if i drink...organic....vegan...hormone free milk... i still stand a chance of....dying....
no bowl.
i just use my mouth!!!

in the time of jesus??? short script 1

2006-03-23T11:30:00.000-08:00

twocancook

INTRODUCTION:
author:
easter .....mmmm well i sometimes wonder
what was it like in the
TIME OF JESUS/???????

that italian film maker...pasolini? i think that's his name...he made a few visually eye- opening movies, set in historical times....his jesus film (st matthew??) was actually filmed in the north aftican dessert, and parts of arid southern italy, with the local, illiterate town's people...toothless, salt of the earth types...as actors....

Narrator:
jesus walks on water. have him walking in shallow lowtide, shoot the angle so you just see the sun reflecting on the water. you can't tell how shallow it is. just beyond him, in deeper water, are his disciples, fishermen, is a low primitive wooden boat...

Author:
i want to write something interesting and provocative for an easter play???
Narrator:
sometimes the truth is best. ..........
get a bible. have jesus dude read from it. wash someone's feet. go barefoot. mary magdalene attemps to seduce him.
maybe magdalene is his closest apostle and the men resent her.???
(ENDINTRODUCTION)
______________________________________________
SCENE 1: A FISHING VILLAGE. MAGDALENA AND JESUS DUDE HANG; SHE IS WASHING HIS FEET. he is holding a gun.

MAGDALENA:hey dude? you getting cold? you've been out on the water all day.

no we won't eat fish tonight.
i'm tired of fish, you're tired of fish. i got some fowl at the market....
i did a little side job today...no it wasn't horrible;but he wasn't my favorite client.
what do you think of my newbusiness card?
body work
massage therapist
esthetician
make up artist
skin care products

do you think that's too much? or should i list all my jobs??
you never know....i'd hate to miss a job....???

jesusdude: magadalena.....how i wish you could understand italian?? i could sing to you, recite poetry, tell youabout my ancestors....remember when you asked me if i was cold...i was out all day on the water....
the boys said i walked on water....apparently i've been doing that a lot lately....but i can't tell you just what i experienced when i was out there...
the words were in italian.....i go into a trance, everything is clear....i want to touch his hand but he won't let me....

i don't tell this to the boys. they only see what i do.
miracles? i'm auditioning for the circus, that's what they think.
but the words, the words tell me something else...but even now i don't know what they mean....only then, i THINK they are in italian.....i understand it all when i'm out there , on the water....but i can't tell you now.
i don't even speak italian

mary: well let's get you warm, eat this fowl....i made a soup...so you can get some rest and be back out there tomorrow....
dude: magdalena, i love that name. do you think the cops will drive us off this surf beach?
mary: i hope not, you boys wouldn't be the same if you couldn't get out there everyday
dude: remember when we were younger and we used to travel. .......
my grandfather was from cuba;.......my father used to go to cuba......and there was that jack
kerouac reference.

NARRATOR:jesus dude eats his supper. magdalena washes his feet with hot towels she has prepared, then rubs them firmly with warm oil.

END SCENE1
___________________________

SCENE 2: TODAY'S SPECIAL: CHILI

Jesus: my grandfather was from cuba. my father spent the 50's...in cuba.
i want to know more about my father. what he did in cuba....sure, he had fun...

Author: i was from an old mill town.
jack kerouac was from my area.
i was at college. my eyes opened wide.
WOW! jack kerouac was from my area!

Jesus: where are you from? i'm from haverhill.
(stranger hits him in chest)
Stranger: ME, TOO!
Jesus: i don't believe him....no, really?
those were my first buddies at this beach. we couldn't believe it: we looked at each other with disbelief: you're from my area??????
Hometown, really???

________________

Narrator:
more notes;
jesus was a waiter.
the rural people, those who killed jesus, were like the characters in "king of the hill."

jesus:"how was the chili, sir?"
american/christian:the chili/ well it wasn't meaty. it wasn't thick. and it had too much beans....the portions were small, but i understand it's bistro style here....what's you name??
j: hay-sus, sir
christian: what?
J: hay sus sir, it';s spelled j-e-s-u-s, like jesus, but it's pronounced HAY-SUS...
christian: don't blashpheme his name, fella...what JEEEE-SUS?? what a name???if you blaspheme his name again, i'll kill you.
i'm dead serious.

(END SCENE 2)

________________
SCENE 3: THE GUN GOES OFF

Narrator:
Magdalenacleans houss. she's not a prostitute.
one day, at her best client's house, she discovers a box of cash .
tempted, she takes some money. later she discusses it with jesus dude at home.
____________
Magdalena:
song:
are you poor are you in need? how can you have the blues??
over there sits a little baby crying; she has no food to eat....
______________
Narrator:
one day, cleaning house, magdalena is caught stealing money, by her client's husband....he beats her, calls the cops. they take her, beat and brutalize her."where is that jesus dude??"
does she tell or not? either way, they dump her on the sidewalk, they don't want any record of this....so they don't arrest her.

Jesus:
cops/christian discuss jesus:
how did he get like this?
i don't know, maybe his grandmother was a socialist...something...anarchist....haymarket riots, sacco and venzetti....they infused generations with progressive ideas....and now it comes to this, this jesus dude.
______________
Author:
mmm
jesus may have to have a loaded gun in the first scene.
Magdalena: jesus
"you mean you never even fired your gun?"
Jesus:
he had had a run in with the cops, maybe with that christian guy.
he worked as a waiter, got in an argument with the customer., the cusotmer crticized the chili, which dude had made. they they got in a fight over his name, jesus....dude pulled a gun on the christian. cops were called. dude was hiding out.)

Narrator:
that would violate
chekhov's first dramatic rule: having introduced a loaded gun in act 1, the curtain can not come down until it is fired. he might miss but the gun must be fired.
_______________
Jesus:
jesus the waiter. magdalena beat by cops.
he hates that christian, who says " hay sus" don't blaspheme the name jeee-sus.......
dude goes off on a rant:

NOW HEAR THIS: GOD TALKS TO ME IN ITALIAN! I CAN WALK ON WATER!
MY GRANDFATHER WAS FROM CUBA!!......
BLASPHEMY????BLASPHEMY???

don't blaspheme the name

JEEE-KERS CROWE!

JEEEESE- LOU - EEESE!!!!

POLLY WANNA CRACKER!!

i shoot the gun.....
or the gun is fired
but, by whom???

MAGDALENA!!!!!!!

Narrator:
the christian minister just caught magdalena stealing.
he pulls a gun on her. she screams when he grabs her arm.
Magdalena: aaaaHHHHHHH!!!!
Narrator: he looks down ashamed.
magdalenda: oh, baby
minister: i jizzed
magdalena: i'm smiling.
well, the gun finally did go off.

THE END

(MORE NOTES FOR LATER

OPENING SCENE
jesus iswalking on the water. a young jesus??

______________
conversation among restaurant customers/ christian

real estate....have you seen the latest best sellers on ebays realestate section? i should post some of that dead scrub land out back on my property......what fool would buy a patch of unwatered, unsewered wetland with no road access???look at ebay....there are thousands of lots for sale.....no water, no roads...the next big suburban development in arkansas.....is that christian of me, to want to make money, to take it from non believers, so i can help build up this church??

it sounds like old fashioned commerce to me.....

don't forget, you're not to blame, in real estate it's always" buyer beware"...you know, go out and "kick the tires" before you put you rmoney down....some people, especially these easterners, they just have money to burn.it's kind of sad, and it must be gods way, but these people have so much money but they can't buy a home back east...they have to come out here, invest in some landgrab....

hey, i'm getting hungry...let's all join hands and say a prayer....

christian: hey waiter, what do you recommend?
jesus: the free range beef chili. with chocolate and rosemary. it's thick, with lots of meat, not too many beans, a little spicy
christian: i'll have that......

(a little while later:
jesus/waiter: how was the chili, sir?
christian: (his face red) well....it wasn't thick.....there wasn't a lot of meat.....there were too many beans......and the portions???well they were small, but i know you have that bistro style here...
waiter, what's your name, son?
jesus: HAY-SUS, sir
christ: what's that?
jesus: HAY- SUS....
christ; how do you spell that?
jesus" j-e-s-u-s,
christ:j-e- that's JEEE-SUS,boy!
jesus: yes sir, i'm jeeeee-sus -DUDE!!!!THAT'S WhaT THEY CALL ME!!
christ: why, that's blasphemy!!!
jesus: it's hay-sus....
christ: DON'T BLASPHEME.....HIS NAME IS JEEE-SUS, YOU CAN'T TAKE HIS NAME....
I'LL KILL YOU....YOU'LL BE DEAD MEAT!!!
(he reaches for jesus; they struggle, jesus grabs a gun???? maybe from the ministers holster...he raises it. waves it around:
jesus: NOW HEAR THIS! GOD TALKS TO ME IN ITALIAN.....I WALK ON WATER....MY GRANDFATHER WAS FROM CUBA.....BLASPHEMY? BLASPHEMY? I CAN SAY IT IN FRENCH "JEEEEESE-LOUUU-EEEEESE".....I CAN SAY IT IN PLAIN OLD AMERICAN EEEEN-GLEEESE "JEEEEEE-KERS CROW!!!!!!!"
(some of the other employees hustle him off; other staff have already been restraining the minister, christian)

(christ calls the police chief, his friend, on the cell phone:)
christ: hi charlie.....youwon't believe what just happened.....his name was hay-sus, hay -sus dude...you know him?? those hippies have been holding onto that waterfront parcel for 30 years...it would be a great idea....yes, i know the church could use that land to expand.....ok i'll be right over)

CHRIST. THE MINISTER:
chief, there has been a special relationship between the church and the city government here for over 30 years, ever since my father first served as both minister and police chief.....
________________________________

the barowner's son/act 2 notes

2006-03-23T09:09:00.000-08:00

twocancook

these are notes for act 2. act 1 is below under "the bar owner's
son/young gun".

in act 1, the bouncer, masonic, and the bar patron , ariel, had just left the bar. they are driving in his van.

ariel: to her self: my first impression of him: good looking, but creepy??
masonic to her: don't be afraid.this isn't even a real gun. i was playing with my nephew before work. look, see, it's just a toy (takes it apart)
ariel: well you sure scared that brat, aven-tine-us!! ha ha
i'm hip. i'm always up for a good time.
masonic; i do have to go home though. i really am on probation.
ariel: for what?
m: this and that. one time, i was 19, i was with my buddies and we held up a taxi driver. another time we pulled a gun at a convenience store. for that , i went to jail. now it seems like whenever anything bad happens, if i was any where near the site it's me who gets arrested. so i go between jail and probation.
ariel: that sucks. i know my brother 's been in jail a few times...once they label you "bad', you're bad.
m: exactly!.................baby, you really are fabulous!!!
oh, it's almost 10pm, we better hurry...

they arrive at his apt, in bushwick.

masonic; i 'd better call my officer.......(on phone)
hey be careful of my dog, he can be vicious...
ariel: what's his name?
m:clay. cassius clay.
a: hi clay (playing with him, cuddles up tohim)
m: be careful...(on phone)wow i've never seen him so friendly before.
a; oh i really like animals....

meanwhile back at the bar:with shannon and feder.
shannon: well, is your dad coming by??
feder; i hope not. he'll be pissed about how slow it is around here. i can't believe that bouncer. what a prick?!!
shannon; you were the prick. no wonder he quit.
feder; yeah but he pulled a gun
shannon: did you get close look at it?
f: no, why?
s: maybe it was fake.....it's not like he shot it or anything
feder; all of these bouncers are all the same. ex con backgrounds.
s: who else would work for what you pay them ??
feder; i don't pay them. my father does.
s; oh, so now you're NOT the boss???
f; (steel, sharp glance at her. menacing yet pleading)
anyways should i worry at all about that girl?
s: we don't even know her name???
f: what's on tv tonight?
shannon; (looks at cable guide) oh, my god, i forgot, it's ncaa final four weekend...let's get this place in order,,,we'll be packed tonight
feder; my money's on (fill in team)
.........................

in brooklyn.

ariel: i like hanging out with you, masonic.i don't live too far from here. i never kiss on the first date
masonic; i wish you would stay. but i can't leave now to drive you home, you know,it's past my curfew
ariel; that's ok.....i can get car service to my house
masonic; holds her, they kiss..she turns, walks out the door

____________________
note: lovemaking scene:
first impressions: he' still a little creepy but he's good looking.
masonic: she's got some "tig ol bitties">>>>

masonic: to ariel; what's your name???
under the covers, look remember when they were joking at the bar about young guns....well here's another line, but for ladies: you've got "tig ol bitties

the barowner's son/ young gun

2006-03-14T12:50:00.000-08:00

twocancook

characters:
federline aventinus: bar owner's son
shannon: female bartender
ariel: female patron
masonic: bouncer

opening: the bar owner's son speaks to the audience.

federline: hi, i'm federline aventinus. yes, it's pronounced "AH-VEN-TINE-US". my father owns this bar. i grew up in th ebar buisness.
shannon: yes, you did....and how was rehab this time around, feder???
feder: as usual, it was cleansing.... and re affirming.... of my work here (being thoughtful)
(to shannon) allow me to conitinue.with a little name dropping.
(to audience) my cousin is kevin federline. he's married to britney spears......my father, augustus aventinus....our family owned breweries in germany.
that's a little back ground info
_______________________
scene 1: at the bar (shannon, alone)
shannon: ah, it's just another night at the bar.
(federline surprises her with a slap on the bottom)
feder: HEY!!!
shannon: eeeeeeeechh!! she screams
feder: well, you know shannon, young guns are full of fun!!!
shannon: are you making fun of me?
feder: what do you mean?
shannon: well you know i was flirting with the new bouncer, and i said "young dumb and full of cum!!!" EVERYBODY 's been teasing me about it all weekend...
feder: i guess i heard that.....but i swear i just made this up.....YOUNG GUNS ARE FULL OF FUN!!!! that's ME!!!

shannon: keep talking, KIDDO!! oh here comes the real gun now...hey bouncer, what's your name???

masonic: masonic.
feder: masonic. i need you to do something. come here...the bartender likes you...
(to audience) he's sooo dumb. if he'll do whatever SHE tells him, he'll definitley do what i tell him!!!
(to bouncer) masonic...take her hand, hold it nice and sweet. WHATEVER HAPPENS , DON'T LET GO!! ok??
shannon: well that's kind of sweet. i guess rehab did help you this time, hey, federline?
feder: yes it did. ok, masonic, what did i say?
masonic: whatever happens don't let go, right??
feder: right. now hold her tighter. (feder lights a candle)( puts it under her hand)
feder: hold her masonic.
shannon: aaarrgghhhhhh she screams....no feder, no feder....
feder: see what i have to do to get business in here??
shannon: stop it feder stop it
feder: only if you never ever call kiddo again..as far as you're concerned, when i'm here, I AM THE BOSS!!!
shannon: yes, boss...ok \boss is it over now???
feder: ok, boss????? .....MASONIC, that's enough..

end scene 1:
______________________________

scene 2: shannon at bar
(girl walks into bar, sits at bar, talks to bartender)
ariel: i'm sorry but i.....
shannon: no sweat....have drink....yeah, bar owners can be the biggest scumbags. then, there the SONS of bar owners.....good for nothings, they always resort to dealing drugs by age 20....yeah, my boss's son, he is the worst.
ariel: YUCK! that's tooo bad.
shannon: so what are you doing....here...tonight??
ariel; oh imet the bouncer, masonic,...... last week....you know what they say, YOUNG DUMB AND FULL OF C___
(federline comes over)
feder: i think that's my cue!!! ues, it's me, the youn gun.....i am full of fun....
ariel: ha! ha! you're having a fine moment. it's still not st patrick's day is it??
shannon: you're from boston, huh??
ariel" how could you tell? from my accent???
shannon: yup. it's wicked bad. i'm from rhode island. too bad about johnny damon.
arie: yes but it looks like he might be out for a while...he has a hurt shoulder. that red sox gm, theo epstein, he looks smarter and smarter every year....
shannon: i know,.....he's cute, too. and how dumb could the yankees be, again, signing another injured, overpriced player!!!
(both girls: laugh ha hahha ha)
feder: ENOUGH OF THIS TALK! you can't criticize the yankees, not in my bar...
ariel: are you the owner?
shannon: no, he's not.....he's the owner's son.
feder: but right now, i am the boss>my name is federline ah-ven-tine-us.
here's a poem: foreplay.
baseball.
we cried in htat japanese basement.
work was finished. we no home
no home to go to.

i dreamed of baseball.
hold up that mighty bat. boys dream of this moment.

i swing, i miss....swing, miss.....sing, miss.

ariel: for some reason, this game makes boys into healthy men.
feder: it's true, the great game of baseball - is also great foreplay!

shannon: forget about federline, tell me what you kow about the bouncer??
ariel: ok, masonic? he's an actor. he's gonna be famous one day. he's been scouted by an agent.
shannon: like a baseball player?
ariel: yes, like a baseball player......he says if he stays focused and devoted to his craft, then one day he will be a famous actor....... unless he dies first.
federline: well i guess i'll have to promote, so we don't lose him. you know, "promote from within"........if he's that talented.......what should i have him do around here???
shannon: he's very good at following orders...and he's not afraid of fire....make him a chef???
ariel: but he'll need healthcare, overtime, always a comfortable seat, and access to a toilet, proper breaks for meals...
feder: well, i'll also make sure he doesn't DIE on us...
(DEAD SILENCE)

feder: well....then we'd never get anywhere with him..
(bouncer walks in)
feder: well hey, it's my lucky night
masonis: hi boss. i gotta go., it's past my curfew
(looks at ariel) if you want to stay and party, why don't you come with me....
ariel: why do you have to go?
masonic; i lied to you, i'm not an actor, i'm on porbation.
ariel: baby, it's ok....i'm irish!!!i'm up for a party!!!!
shannon: watch it, hun......hey BOSS....let's do some blow
feder: yeah let's have some fun.....
___________________
(to audience)
shannon: i'm in a tough position. i work for a sadistic jerk.
i want to quit, but i just keep taking it....and this new bouncer, this "young dumb" guy, he's really the young gun but he keeps taking it...oh yeah...he's afraid of doing something wrong, of going back to jail.
but this is just a regular new york bar. what did we do wrong??
________________
(back to scene)
federline: yeah, let's have some fun, i'm a young gun!!!! MASONIC!!!! get over here, you sick fuck, let's have some fun with theese girls..
(masonic pulls out a gun)
feder: jeeeekers crow!!!!
masonic: be careful, or you'll end up in east new york..
shannon: no one goes to east new york, except to dump a body
ariel: it's ok.....i'll go with you, masonic.....
_____________

(later)
(shannon and federline talk it over)
shannon: federline, it's pretty simple. it's about manners. if that poor girl had to leave, it was up to you, the owner's son to get her a cab ride.
you could've just hailed a cab, and sent her safely off by herself.
feder: yeah except for masonic's gun. she must have come here to meet masonic.
it's true i knew he was an excon...but he always did what i told him to
shannon: it's all too creepy.

BAD THINGS ALWAYS HAPPEN HERE, SO NOBODY REALLY CARES.
f
federline: humming "young guns are full of fun....."
(phone rings.....)
shannon: federline, it's your dad.
feder: what dad???no, dad, it's not what you think......NO i don't need to go back to rehab...

THE END

the coverup

2006-03-10T10:44:00.000-08:00

twocancook
last week i had read about the writer martin mcdononough....he won an oscar for best short film the other day....

his story was about the pied piper.

the pied piper was a mean, dirty man. in today's
world he would work as a handyman, moonlight as an animal wrangler.
odd jobs, might live in his basement shop. defintley smokes alot of pot.

my wife called to tell me that the old cat, otis, had a bleeding paw. so i called up "handy man, odd jobs, animal wrangler" phil.
yes , phil. no last name.
do you remember that 90's film with nick nolte. he was an l.a. handyman who helped tune up lonely wives.
phil was kind of that guy. one time i introduced him to a 40 something maiden. nancy.
she had a leaky shower. even though she'd lived for 20 plu syears in a rent controlled $400/month apartmenet, the landlord wouyldn't fix the leak. was that bein gcheap, or just doing business??

after a few days on the job, phil said he had convinced nancy to purchase and install a brand new shower, bathroom, and kitchen. he started referring to her as "the widow nancy."
"i'm off to see the widow nancy."

2 days later, he was living on her couch. the hardships of basement life perhaps too great for him.
he was also in his 40 somethings.

not being too swift myself, i caught on to his habits: smoking pot. having strange playmates over to smoke pot. smoking pot with the "widow nancy."
he saved a litter of mutts from the nearby construction site. he kept one, a beautiful dark mutt-doberman mix, he namd him elvis.
he also adopted a little kitten.
phil knew a lot about animals.
animal wisdom: at meal time, have your dog wait away from the table. let him see that you are eating, tha th emust wait for you. only when you are completely finished eating your meal , then you may place your plate with scraps on the floor for the dog.]
his father used to raise dogs. a dog's greatest honor comes from cleaning up the scraps of his master's plate.....

one night my wife called me. the old male cat. otis, had blood on his paw. "call phil' i said. now, i never expected any nick nolte treatment on this job. and my wife wouldn't have allowed it, as she was wise to this pied piper handyman. naturally, he saw the bloody paw and said, without hesitation: take it to the vet. his nail is growing in, and it might get infected."

not long after this, phil moved out of the widow's apartment.
we weren't sure how she felt about it. one night over drinks. she broke down and cried.
"i do love him. i don't know why he can't stay with me?" nobody else knew why, either.
he also left the dog and cat with her.....

he had over the years done some jobs for me. knowing the tale of the pied piper, i always paid him. i paid him, so he wouldn't lead my children and beloved pets away. i have to try to remember, if he ever cut off any of my toes and took them with him???

martin mcdonough's pied piper did that as a thank you.
one night a boy was eating his supper. remember, this was in the time of the plague. natural human conventions were suspended.
many towns were overrun with rats and pests.
the world was full of death and dying. susan sontag can only imagine. she wrote a well written book called "illness as metaphor"(title?).
comparisons of the plague to aids in our time.

yes, the boy was eating his supper. on a bridge. it was nearing nightfall. it was almost dark.
a dirty, mean old man came over the bridge, driving a cart that reeked of filthy animals, probably rats. we now know that this man was the pied piper, so , yes his cart had probably borne rats and other diseased animals.
why did he never get the plague?
the boy offered to share his meal. was he not frightened of this strange man?
in this dark time of death and disease, there was still some decency.
compassion stirred within the old man.
"here is one good, kind person in this miserable town. the elders begged me for help,
to rid them of this plague.
i led away the rats and pests.
now their hamlet can prosper. and they refused to pay me.
tonight i will return and lead away their children.
this boy i will save.
what can i do to warn him? it is hopeless,as he will follow my flute with th eother children....??"
the piper said to the boy, "can i repay you for this kindness?"
the boy nodded, yes.
piper reached into his knapsack, pulled out a large meat cleaver, and chopped off the toes of the boy's right foot.

what did the boy think of this?

later that night, the piper played his flute. all of the children of the hamlet were never seen again.
only this poor, now crippled boy was spared. he could not keep up with the other children, slowed by his missing toes.

an irish blessing????

an irish peom

2006-03-03T12:16:00.000-08:00

an irish poem

today i read an article in the new yorker about irish playwright martin mcdonagh.
"when he was sixteen, he told (his brother) john a story based on an old folktale:
a lonely little boy is on a bridge at dusk when a sinister man approaches. the man is driving a cart on the back of which are foul-smelling animal cages.
the boy conquers his fear, offers the man some of his supper, and the two sit and talk. before the man leaves, he says that he wants to give the boy something whose value he may not understand but will soon come to appreciate.
the boy accepts.
the man takes a meat cleaver from his pocket and chops off the toes of the boy's right foot. as the man drives away, he tosses the boy's toes to the rats that have suddenly begun to gather in the gutters of the town, whose name, we now learn, is Hamelin.
the man is the Pied Piper, who saves Hamelin from the plague but kidnaps the local children when the town elders refuse to compensate him for his efforts. the boy is the only one of Hamelin's children to survive, because he cannot keep up with the other kids, who follow the Piper out of town."

________________________

the irish
must all gifts come with pain??
either the boy was a fool,
or just plain lucky.

"jeekers crow!!!" he must have said.
did he meekly accept his reward, like a good irish boy?
a little pain will only make you better.
train til you drop. honor thy father. take this beating like a man. how many times can i hit you before you scream??
some wierd hazing ritual: hold your hand over the flame,son. god is on your side, son. don't be afraid, boy,it will only make you stronger.
do you dream of being on the cross, next to jesus? i'm with you sir...i can hang up here as long as you. why, no it doesn't hurt...well, it odes hurt a little but i can take the pain. just breathe into it.

my brother played football. of course,i did too. there was pride in taking a good hit, almost as much as when you hit some one hard, off the line,knocked him over with an unexpected force.
one day, for punishment....or was it sport? the coach called him over:
today you're up against popadopalos....yes, popadopalus. you can take him - only the biggest, strongest lineman on the team.
LINE UP AGAISNT HIM.
the first time, he knocked my brother over.
DO IT AGAIN.
the second time, he knocked him over.
doyou want this to continue? well it did, 10 times...
his head ringing, my brother left the field.
he had gaiend ne wfound respect form his coach and teammates.
he went on to be class president, twice.

host a comedy night?

2006-02-28T09:15:00.000-08:00

all i want is someone to host a comedy night.
are there people out there who are funny?

let's start with an easy joke: so, i was reading in US weekly......
it seems (fill in the blank_________ brangelina) wants some privacy.
so, they're moving to paris....mmmmmmm

then there's the traveling comic joke:
so, i just flew into (fill in the blank____________la guar- di-a airport). it took me
40 minutes to get her from the airport (HEY!HA! HEY!)

comics are the worst audience. they don't laugh, they don't drink, and they won't leave!!
___________________________

children's holiday poem

2005-12-22T11:03:00.000-08:00

this could be the start of a children's poem:

happy holidays
so, it's
no red meat;
just chicken and fish??

i also like this as a holiday greeting:
noel.

in years past i did that non-committal
PEACE

______________________
jimmy carbone, dec 22, 2005 nyc
c. 2005 j. carbone